As mysterious as they can seem, relationships do tend to have a somewhat predictable progression over time, as we move towards commitment and long term partnership. 5 Stages of a Relationship’ is a useful way of looking at the ‘evolution’ of a relationship, and some of the common challenges we might face when deciding to share our life with someone. The 5 Stages of a Relationship described by Dr. Campbell are as follows:
The romance stage
The power struggle stage
The stability stage
The commitment stage
The co-creation/blissful stage
Most everyone has heard of the romance stage, also known as the honeymoon phase of a young relationship.
After this normally follows a reality-check of sorts as you recognize your partner is a real human being with faults and shortcomings like the rest of us.
1-Romance Stage
The romance stage is the first stage of any relationship. So while the romance stage happens at the beginning of a relationship, relationships in other stages can revert back to the romance stage for a variety of different reasons.
The romance stage is the stage that is often portrayed in movies or television shows and is most often referred to as the honeymoon phase. People in the romance stage are often infatuated with one another, completely head over heels for their new partner. While infatuation might feel like love in some ways, it is more similar to obsession or addiction than true love.
During the romance stage you will experience a drug-like euphoria, and a literal addiction to being around our new partner. Yes, this stage is partly biological: our hormones are going wild and we are releasing oxytocin, the bonding hormone, whenever we are around our new partner. We become addicted to this release of oxytocin, which leads us to want to be around a new partner more and more.
In addition to the biological component, it is also just exhilarating to find someone who we like, and who likes us - and the excitement and fun of this can be intoxicating. We know this stage doesn’t usually last forever, in fact it is normally one of the shorter stages in every relationship. After all, everything can’t be totally rosy forever! While it’s easy to start to panic when the feeling of infatuation starts to fade, it’s important to remember that this is a sign that your relationship is progressing.
The romance stage often ends somewhere between two months and two years - normally when one person perceives some kind of permanence to the relationship.
2-Power Struggle Stage
Again, this stage might feel eerily familiar for some. The power struggle stage is where things start to get… real. Where we actually start to consider whether this person we are with is right for us, and what might be possible for us to change.
During the power struggle stage, the rose-colored glasses have come off, and you start to see your partner as a person with flaws, baggage and annoying little quirks.
Coming to this realization is why the power struggle stage is one of the hardest stages in any relationship.
Not only will you start to recognize your partner’s flaws, you may start to become self-conscious as you realize that your partner is also discovering your flaws in the same way. The power struggle stage is about vulnerability, patience, and the ability to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly, for many couples who go through this stage, a break-up is the result. The feeling of disappointment and frustration is overwhelming, and they struggle to see their partner’s strengths and value amongst all of their flaws.
Often one partner will try and make the other go back to how they were at the beginning of the relationship - not realizing that they are now a different person. Other times, people might be so overwhelmed by the reality of the relationship that they jump ship all together, not understanding that the romance stage can’t last forever.
During the power struggle phase, most couples go one of two ways: break up and start again (and potentially repeat the cycle again, since all relationships do eventually reach this stage), or survive the power struggle stage by learning to communicate effectively, giving up on hopes of perfect harmony, and embracing differences. This can be tough and can feel like a lot of work, but being able to get through to the other side can be a transformational experience. Since all relationships do go through this phase, it’s important to know what to expect, and how to prepare for the
inevitable situations that arise.
Communication Is Everything!!!
3-Stability Stage
Once we’ve gotten through the power struggle stage, there can be a period of relative calm and stability. we have re-negotiated dynamics (whether this has happened naturally or intentionally), and are now adjusting to life with the acceptance that we can’t change our partner, and that this is okay - with clear boundaries and mutual respect, a fulfilling relationship is still possible.
In fact, for those who have successfully worked through the power struggle stage, they might even find a sense of love and intimacy similar to the romance stage - where there is a re-discovery of all the positive attributes of their partner. If you’re in this stage in your relationship, well done for getting through the power struggle stage! While most couples are happy to be out of the power struggle stage, others find that they miss the combative, fiery nature of the conflicts. For those types, the stability stage isn’t a return to the romance stage, but rather a defeating stage that feels stale and causes them to fear for the rest of the relationship.
4-Commitment Stage
This stage doesn’t necessarily have to do with marriage or having children. Rather, it is the stage a couple gets to where they ‘choose’ each other. They’ve worked through those questions and dilemmas around whether their partner can change, and how to navigate conflict, and whether it is worth it to stay in the relationship - and have arrived at the place where they make a full commitment to the other person, despite each other’s imperfections.
Strangely enough, this can be really liberating, and relationship experts say that this is generally when people should get married (most people get married in the romance stage, where they may not yet be aware of the complexities that lie ahead). But marriage is not necessary to show your total commitment to your partner. Many couples these days are skipping over the traditional marriage concept, and instead just agreeing to be life partners or common law spouses. Experts describe this stage as fun, empowering, freeing and exciting. The couple has gone on this journey together and has come out the other side, both changed and both with a new appreciation for their partner - as well as a feeling of being loved in a new way.
5-Co-Creation/Bliss Stage
This is the stage where you… have arrived. It’s what we might expect from a long-term, committed relationship. The best way to describe this stage is that your relationship - whatever it looks like - helps you to go out into the world and create something with your partner that makes a meaningful difference. You’ve negotiated your differences, come to terms with imperfection and disappointments, and are able to give back to society in some way. This might look like raising children together in a conscious way, creating a community project, or being of service to others.
Whatever it is, the focus has shifted away from the individuals and the relationship, and towards the broader community. This is a great stage to be in, and if you’re in this stage it is useful to reflect on how you got here, and the things that helped you to move through the stages to get to where you are.
People do describe this as a journey, and it’s not hard to see why! To get to this stage, we actually need to go through the other stages first… there is no express train straight to relationship bliss.
Even though you’ve ‘arrived’ at this valued stage, it is important not to fall into complacency and think that there is no more work to be done. There is always work! Luckily you have journeyed through this together, so all the groundwork is done - you have an awareness of each other’s needs and vulnerabilities, as well as a good sense of values and dreams - so it is not going to feel like starting from scratch.
That's it! There are no more stages, if you can believe it! Of course, not all our relationships will fit perfectly into this model, but it is a useful framework for understanding some of the common challenges that u exist when we invite someone into our lives. If you take anything from this article, it is hopefully this: part of moving forward in a relationship is accepting the flaws and imperfections in our partner - and once we’ve achieved this (and they have achieved it, for us), then things can progress and get better and better.
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