😔A Good Apology😔

Saying “I’m sorry” is rarely the first part of a good apology. Before saying anything, the other person has to understand your hurt. Usually, that means listening. So, ask them to back up and let you tell them about your experience of hurt, about how their behavior has affected you.

In this Step One, nothing about the apologizer is relevant: not her good intentions, good character, history of kindness, etc. If their not interested or unwilling to listen to you, you have discovered the shallowness of their regret. Their apology will remain partial and ineffective. If they can engage in a genuine attempt to understand, you are on your way to a real repair.

But that’s only the first step! There are four things that have to happen for the apology to be real and effective. Each one is necessary and none is sufficient by itself. If you and your would-be apologizer go through this process together, your relationship will not only recover from this hurt; it will be stronger.

The second step, to make a sincere statement of responsibility and empathy is much easier if Step One has taken place—and much more convincing.

There are still several telltale ways for Step Two to go wrong.   In my experience, most people need practice at these skills. If your apologizer has gotten this far with you, you can probably sense good-willed effort; your relationship will benefit from your holding high standards for this step.

The third step requires the person to make restitution, that is, to make up for the wrong or hurt.

In relationships, these reparations can take the form of a “do-over,” a chance to get right what the person got wrong the first time. Often a sense of what needs to be done is reached by collaboration with you. Making it right requires a person to put their words or intentions into action.

Reluctance to try again or to extend themselves in this way is another sign that your apologizer isn’t really interested in making a thorough apology.

But Step Four, making sure it doesn’t happen again, is the pudding in which the proof lies.

To be a trustworthy apologizer, the person has to change their ways or the conditions that led to the initial problem. Good intentions are easy, but rarely enough. It will take time for you to see if a true change has taken place, but a convincing plan helps you stay motivated to see it through.

Making your way through this process is energy-intensive for you both and its outcome only fully reveals itself over time. But if your apologizer follows these four steps, they will convince you of their sincerity. It’s the only way to know for sure.