Defensive behaviors have the purpose of distracting you from your feelings of being hurt and feeling shamed. The objective (whether you realize it or not) is to shift attention to the faults of the other person, so that in turn you feel better about yourself in the moment.
When you feel criticized, do you engage in any of the following behaviors? Read through the list and see if any resonate with you:
Stop listening to the other person
Make excuses about whatever you are being criticized about.
Blame the other person for what they are criticizing you about.
Accuse the other person of doing the same thing.
Try to justify your actions.
Bring up past things that the other person did wrong and avoid talking about the current issue.
Tell the other person that they should not feel the way that they do.
Defensiveness
If you have started to recognize defensiveness in yourself, you might be wondering why it started, what caused it, and what might be underlying it.
Here are some of the typical causes of being defensive:
A reaction to feeling insecure or fearful.
A reaction to early childhood trauma or abuse. Being defensive is a way to feel more powerful.
A reaction to anxiety or inability to be assertive.
A reaction to shame or guilt. If you are feeling guilty about something and someone else brings up a related topic, then you might respond in a defensive manner.
A reaction to hiding the truth. You may become defensive if you are trying to hide the truth about something or lying.
A reaction to attacks on your character or behavior. If you feel as though you need to justify actions you have taken or some aspect of your character, then you may respond in a defensive manner.
A reaction to feeling helpless to change. If someone points out a part of you that you want to change but feel helpless about, then you may respond in a defensive manner.
A learned behavior. Defensiveness can also be something that you learn from a parent or spouse, as a way of relating to others.
Types of Defensiveness
Attacking the other person in some way to discredit them.
Bringing up the past: Reminding the other person of when they made a mistake in the past.
Silent treatment:Not speaking to someone in order to get back at them for criticizing you.
Gaslighting: Making the other person question their sanity or memory by denying doing things or lying about doing things. This usually involves insinuating that the other person is being irrational or not thinking clearly.
Blaming/aggression: Shifting the blame to the other person for whatever you are being criticized about.
Righteous indignation: Acting as though you should not be questioned on this topic for some reason.
Innocent victim: Agreeing with the criticism but then crying and blaming yourself in order to make the other person feel guilty and elicit sympathy (and prevent further critiques).
Take Responsibility
Instead of immediately reacting to your feelings of being hurt or feeling criticized, you could try taking responsibility for whatever part you might be responsible for in the situation.
Improve Your Communication Skills
Another way to manage defensiveness is to improve your communication skills. If you know a particular topic always makes you feel hurt or angry, it’s acceptable to tell the other person that you don’t want to discuss it unless the goal is finding a solution.
Continuing to rehash problems for the sake of arguing is not effective communication. To get better at communicating, try practicing first in low-stakes situations or imagining how you would like to communicate before a situation takes place.
Imagine yourself staying calm and collected while you discuss a problem, instead of reacting defensively.
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