It’s easy to be careless about what we say and how we say it. Many of us have habitual “go-to” responses and expressions that flood our minds and bodies when we feel provoked. In these moments, we may react automatically in ways that we later question or regret. Does this ever happen to you?
When we feel hurt or angry, we may experience a brief moment of emotional relief when we speak negatively or strike out. These responses can feel like quickly opening a release valve to reduce the pressure. For a moment, that explosion may feel really good. But then the emotion passes on, and we may realize that what we said lacked thoughtfulness, kindness, or compassion, knowing that these words not only didn’t send positive energies into the world but also generated negativity in our own personal energetic space. With a bit of distance and reflection, we may realize that what began with a need to protect or defend ourselves ended with knowing that it would have been better to express those emotions differently or not at all.
Sometimes careless words slip out instantly and reflexively before we can pause and think it over. Sometimes we choose the easiest words or the harshest, but if we paused for a moment to create a quick intermission between our experience and our response, we might make a different choice. We might choose to express ourselves more thoughtfully, honestly, or kindly.
What about you? I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that some of you can relate to careless responses, especially when emotions are running fast and strong.
Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan David (2016) suggests that learning to recognize and label our emotions with more precise vocabulary can transform our ability to communicate needs and wants. Naming our emotions can help us identify for ourselves what matters to us within our own experience. The ability to express ourselves from the inside out can support our own psychological well-being and also help us reach out for the support we desire.
There are no simple solutions to managing your emotions and speaking with greater care. But some communication strategies can help you share messages with greater accuracy and effectiveness while also expressing your thoughts, needs, and desires clearly, directly, and honestly. One well-known skill is the “I-message,” which can help you express yourself using a soft voice beginning with the word “I” (Darrington & Bower, 2012; McKay, 2009).
I feel ___________ (share your thought or feeling: angry, worried, concerned).
Because ___________ (name the specific reason you feel this way. Offer an example, if possible).
I want ___________ (suggest what you think might help or resolve the situation).
For example:
I feel angry when you don’t clean up after yourself when you make dinner. I would like you to wash your dishes and wipe the table.
I think it’s important for all members of our team to get to morning meetings on time. I’m asking you to make timely attendance a priority in your scheduling.
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