There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to share your thoughts or feelings with your partner only to experience deflection or defensiveness.
Being vulnerable and expressing your innermost needs and desires can be terrifying. If you’re met with resistance or feel unheard. Being heard conveys that your thoughts and feelings matter, and it paves the way for a deep sense of trust.
Anyone can talk. Not everyone can listen.
How do you know when you’re being heard?
When you try to communicate with your partner, check in and notice if any of the following issues arise:
🫵🏼Your partner flips the topic around so that you become the problem.
🫵🏼You’re told that you’re being ridiculous or that you’re overreacting.
🫵🏼Your partner’s response is focused on why he or she feels the same way.
🫵🏼Your partner leaves the room.
🫵🏼It seems like you’ve been heard, but then the same issue resurfaces later
The most common reason people can’t (or don’t) listen is because they shut down as a defense against experiencing discomfort.
You should have to communicate something only once or twice for it to be heard.
Sometimes a partner can feel overwhelmed by his or her own feelings, forcing the person to shut down or stop listening. This happens when there’s a low tolerance for emotions or if the person grew up in an environment where he or she was consistently overwhelmed by other people’s feelings.
Resentment can also impede listening skills, so check in with yourself to be sure you have honed in on your own listening skills before demanding this of your partner.
Lastly, anxiety, stress, and even attention-deficit issues can cause a partner to struggle with listening skills.
Start with these steps:
Ask your partner if it’s a good time to talk. If not, schedule a time that would work for both of you.
When you talk to your partner, speak concisely—stay on topic and convey the most important points.
Pause between statements and ask your partner to repeat back to you what he or she heard you say. If it’s correct, let your partner know and continue. If he or she missed it, say it again.
Continue until you feel completely heard and that your issues or concerns have been received accurately. Then switch roles and let your partner respond or express his or her thoughts and feelings with you as the listener
If your partner becomes defensive, frustrated, or is unable to do this, abandon the idea and consider contacting a counselor.
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