Being asked to change can evoke some intense emotions, and so looking at ways people being asked to change could manage these emotions, seemed like a natural question.
Researchers conducted two studies. The study compared two approaches people usually take when met with a request for change:
Suppression- When either partner tries to conceal or minimize their negative emotions around the request.
Reappraisal- When either partner thinks about the situation in a new way to alter its emotional impact or personal meaning.
They found:
Changing partners who suppressed more than others felt further from their partner’s ideal.
Changing partners that engaged in more reappraisal reported better change outcomes, and their partners (who requested the change) also felt that changing partners who reappraised made more change progress.
Feeling negative emotions such as anger and embarrassment is a completely natural part of the process of changing. Receiving a request to change from a partner might lead to people feeling negative emotions because it may serve as a signal that they are not living up to their partner’s expectations or that their partner is unhappy with them or their relationship.
If they disagree with their partner and think that they do not need to make the change their partner is requesting, this may fuel conflict and resentment toward the requesting partner.
Reappraisal proves to be a healthy way in which partners can request and incorporate changes in their relationship.
Two ways that changing partners can alter their perspective to better adapt to the change request:
Instead of the partner that’s being asked to change feeling like the request makes them look inadequate in their partner’s eyes instead look at it as their partner wants to help them grow and become a better version of themselves.
Reappraisal may also involve seeing the change request as a sign of their partner’s commitment to them and improving the relationship, which may be both more motivating and less upsetting.
The effort has to be on both sides—from the requesting partner as well as the changing partner.
To ensure a smooth and conflict-free alteration in a relationship, the requesting partner must:
Make an effective change request. A clear and direct change request.
Letting a changing partner know that their efforts to change are making a difference.
Be supportive. A change request should also be balanced with support and validation, given that we know change requests are difficult to hear. It is also important that changing partners feel supported during the change process and that requesting partners provide feedback about how things are going.
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