What is a relationship other than a long string of small conversations? Every time you reach out to your partner or shut them off, when you choose to use certain words and not others, when you smile or turn your body away from them, even when you are completely silent - you are communicating.
When we reach out in any way, when we try to make ourselves understood or when we try to understand others, we are attempting to communicate. We can make our intentions known through the way we use our bodies, our words, our facial expressions, and our actions.
When we communicate with someone else, we are temporarily inviting them to become a part of our experience. We’re saying, listen to me! What I have to say is important. When we communicate properly, a healthy and happy relationship naturally follows.
“Conscious” communication is choosing to become aware of the messages we are sending to our partner, to ourselves and out into the world in general. Becoming more perceptive means we can also tune into the messages of those around us, hearing what is actually said rather than what we wish was said.
How can you become a more conscious communicator? The answer is simple:
pay attention.
Pay attention to what is happening inside your own heart and mind. Turn your antennae, too, towards the outside and really listen to what your partner is communicating. Even those who are not the most skilled of communicators know that when people say “I’m fine” with just the right tone of voice and body language, they actually mean exactly the opposite.
Learning to become more responsive, more aware and more in tune with yourself and others means you’ll communicate your own needs better as well as understand others. You’ll reduce the chance of misunderstandings or harmful assumptions. Here are some smart ways to start being more deliberate in the way you communicate.
Acknowledge emotional content first:
Here is a tip that many marriage counselors, divorce mediators and even hostage negotiators know how to use wisely: acknowledge the emotional content of what is said.
A classic example is the woman who complains at the end of a long day to her partner. She tells him how irritating everyone was, how rude her clients, how naughty the children, how bad the traffic. Instead of hearing the exasperation and defeat in her voice? her partner only hears a string of complaints and problems. So, he sets to helping her solve them.
Had he responded to the emotional content first, he would have seen that the emotional message was, I’m having a hard time, please sympathize with me. When he instead responds, “Well, maybe you should take another route home from work if traffic is such a big deal” he is communicating to her that he hasn’t “heard” properly at all.
This misunderstanding likely just gets added to her list of the irritations of the day. Instead, if he simply says something like,
“Wow, you’ve had a lot to deal with today. Sit down, I’ll make us some tea”, the communication is instantly more conscious and compassionate.
Become familiar with different styles of communication-
If you have not already, it’s a great idea to read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Even when we believe we are expressing ourselves loud and clear, sometimes we are just on different “wavelengths” than our partners.
The five love languages, according to this book, are physical touch, acts of service, quality time, gifts and words of affirmation (food is also a suggested language). But you may have your own special blend of languages or require that people express their affection in particular ways.
While it’s good to know your own preference, the trick is to make sure that you are communicating in the language that your partner prefers when you interact with them.
Finding love is not the most difficult - keeping love is.
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