💘📱Dating With Aligorithoms💱💘

On a quest for love. Dating apps are pocket sized slot machines. Swiping left is the polite gesture to reject potential suitors without the emotional sting. Uncomfortable emotions are avoided by applying as many layers filters as possible—age, height, religion, political preference, you name it.

Swiping right is the ultimate mating dance, and the instantaneous “match” symbol triggers the release of a cascade of neurotransmitters, including a flood of dopamine, a powerful reward agent that underlies many addictive behaviors (Beck, 2021).

You would probably delete a dating app in which hours of swiping results in no match, as much as you would walk away from an app in which every swipe turns into a match. The gamification of dating apps transforms the act of swiping into a highly rewarded activity similar to slot machines, where winning (matching) takes place at random intervals that would in turn act as a powerful reinforcement that leaves us craving more (Skinner, 1972).

The purpose of dating used to be finding partners to build deeper connections, dating algorithms have capitalized on turning dating itself into an addicting game that is low cost and high reward.

Once you’ve matched and formed some kind of connection, it is time to meet the person behind the screen. Many people have developed “dating algorithms” over time, a list of red flags to watch out for. Who picked up the bill? Did they text you immediately after the first date or did they leave you on “read” for three days before responding? Every detail becomes a new set of criteria to determine whether you will see this person again. The endless dating pool also means it has never been so easy to “ghost” someone or send a well-crafted text message to avoid an awkward conversation.

Having algorithms that curate to our preferences means we lose sight of our values, the space to have difficult conversations, or the courage to embrace emotional vulnerability. The need for connection is baked into our DNA, and the effort to search for love and belonging is our shared identity.

For the next date, try being more mindful with each swipe, applying one less filtering criteria, and having a difficult conversation in person.