Someone emotionally immature will find it hard to effectively communicate or process their emotions and can often appear selfish.
Here’s a look at some signs of emotional immaturity that can show up in a relationship and steps you can take if you recognize them in your own.
An emotionally immature partner will delay tough conversations because they aren’t able to make sense of their feelings or find them too overwhelming to deal with.
They’ll skim the surface of topics without revealing much and won’t connect with you on a deeper level.
Here are some diversion tactics they might use:
laughing instead of opening up
telling you they have to fix the TV at that moment
saying they’re too stressed to talk
postponing your discussion for another time
This one’s a biggie. People who are emotionally immature will always bring in the “me factor” at inappropriate times. They may have a hard time understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
If your partner doesn’t pay attention to your concerns or interests, it’s a clear sign they have some emotional growing to do.
If you bring something up, they’ll get overly defensive.
For example, if you complain that they didn’t take out the garbage like they said they would, they’ll respond with “Why are you always on my case?” or crack a condescending joke like, “Looks like someone’s PMSing.”
Talking about the future can feel intimidating to someone who is emotionally immature. They’ll avoid planning things together because they’re afraid of limiting their freedom.
In short: They aren’t accountable.
Instead of being thoughtful and admitting when they’ve messed up, they’ll place the blame on other people or circumstances beyond their control.
Here are some things they might say:
“My boss kept sending me emails and I didn’t get around to it.”
“I was bbq’ing for all the guys and they were drinking so I needed to drink too.
“No one reminded me of the plans we had today.”
More than anything, you feel lonely and sense an “intimacy gap” in your relationship.
Bonding or connecting with your significant other becomes stunted because you feel a lack of support, understanding, and respect.
There’s also no way for you to articulate your needs and desires to discuss improvement
If you find yourself nodding along and recognize the above signs in your partner, not all hope is lost.
Emotional immaturity doesn’t necessarily mean things aren’t destined to work out.
The key factor here is if the other person is willing to make a change. If so, below are some ways you can approach this kind of behavior.
Bring it to their attention. One of the simplest yet potent things we can do is to talk to the other person and be open to feedback.
You can let them know how their behavior is affecting you by using “I” statements and then proposing possible solutions.
This trains your brain to respond, and not react out of anger or frustration.
Here are some of the following you can try:
“When we moved in together, we had plans to marry in a year. I feel hurt and concerned that you won’t discuss the topic with me anymore. Would you please help me figure out the reasons you’re hesitating?”
“When I am doing so many chores around the house every day, I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Are there ways you can help me out with the weekly laundry and food preparation?”
Stop picking up the slack for your partner and engaging with them when they come up with excuses for poor choices.
It’s important they understand that their behavior has consequences and that you won’t keep participating in their unhealthy dynamic.
Below are some ways to be more assertive and set boundaries:
Be self-aware. Have an awareness of your own comfort level. Identify which situations make you feel hurt, uneasy, or angry.
Communicate with your partner. Mention that there are certain things you won’t tolerate, like being shouted at or lied to.
Follow through on what you say. No exceptions. This can mean taking the high road during temper tantrums and letting them know you’ll be willing to talk once they’re ready to discuss things maturely.
Talking through fears and insecurities can help someone develop more self-awareness about the effect their actions have on others.
If your partner is willing to work on themselves, addressing issues with a counselor can help them identify their feelings and find healthy coping skills.
Emotional maturity is defined by the ability to manage our emotions and take full responsibility for our actions. At the end of the day, no matter how hard we may try to communicate with our partner, it’s up to them to recognize that their behavior needs to change.
If you’ve been together forever and you feel there’s a good chance they won’t grow out of their childish ways, it’s time to move on. One foolproof sign?
They keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
Remember: You deserve to be in a loving, supportive relationship with a partner who values you — not someone who you’ll end up feeling lonely with.
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