We know that divorce is 95% emotional and only 5% legal. But it’s the 95% that starts well before the legal process and lasts long after the divorce is over. What is that 95%? (Hint: not all are negative emotions.)
Shock
The shock of your clarity about getting a divorce and informing your spouse, the shock of your spouse’s announcement, and the shock of your life being turned upside down in unexpected ways (reactions of friends, family, and your children).
Stop, pause, breathe. Take things one moment at a time. Remind yourself to slow down and never make any big decisions in a crisis. Focus on getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, taking walks in the fresh air, and seeking emotional support from friends or family.
Guilt
While divorce is very common in our culture, there is still an old stigma attached to it. Remind yourself that you are not a failure just because your marriage ended. You didn’t see the problems or deal with them when you could have. Perhaps you’ve done things you regret (having an affair, overspending money, refusing mental health treatment). Guilt about initiating the divorce and causing pain for your spouse/family/kids.
If your spouse struggles with addiction or even if not, Al-Anon is a great resource to get support. Learn what you can control, what is outside of your control and let go of what is not in your control.
Learn to forgive yourself. If necessary, make a sincere apology to your spouse and make amends. Be honest with yourself and your spouse about where you feel you erred. Take full accountability.
During a divorce, guilt might get you to agree to things that you later regret. Take time to work through the guilt before you make settlement agreements. Guilt can turn to anger if you feel your spouse is taking advantage of it.
Grief
Grief and sadness are normal feelings when dealing with loss.
Grief and sadness usually ease over time. If you find that you are still struggling with grief after months of support from friends and family, seek out a grief counselor. Prolonged grief can lead to depression. You can find divorce support groups in your area and online. You are not alone.
Anger
Anger, like armor, shields you from feeling the vulnerable feelings that lie underneath the anger.
Anger at your spouse for rejecting, betraying, or abandoning you, anger at yourself, and anger at others.
Anger ultimately hurts you more than the person you’re mad at. There is an Amish saying, “Bitterness corrodes the container it’s in.” For your mental and physical health, focus on learning and practicing some calming strategies, such as breathwork, yoga, and mefitation. Counseling can give you a place to safely express your anger and learn new skills to manage it. Then focus on forgiveness work, not for the person who hurt you, but to release the burdens of pain and anger that you still carry.
Fear and Anxiety
Our brains are wired to scan the enviornment for danger, and an impending divorce often feels like stepping into an abyss.
Calming strategies are important. You can’t be anxious and relaxed at the same time. Learn muscle relaxation and breathing techniques to calm your body. Apps have guided meditations.
Fears run in loops in our heads, so tell yourself “Just because I think it, doesn’t make it true!” Or even, “Don’t believe everything you think.”
Positive Emotions
A full heart can hold many emotions. Some positive emotions may also arise in a divorce. You may feel a variety of feelings, even conflicting feelings.
Relief
(You might also feel guilty for feeling relief). With the end of the conflict, the daily stress is reduced.
Optimism
The many complex emotions that arise when you begin to consider divorce will ebb and flow over time. Generally, you can expect these emotions to wax and wane for a year or two after the divorce is final. The emotions typically get less intense and overwhelming over time, as you heal and reconstruct your life with new routines and patterns. If you are still feeling overwhelmed after a year or two, reach out to a counselor to help you move through the emotions to a place of peace and acceptance.
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