For as long as there have been men, women, and relationships, there has been jealousy; the fear of losing the person you love to a rival.
Romance and literature throughout the ages has described jealousy as the sign of true love.
“He that is not jealous, is not in love,” -St. Augustine
They have also associated jealousy with pain, distrust, anger, and anguish.
In the actual lives of couples, jealousy is a complex emotion with varied causes and different consequences. While it can re-affirm love and even create enticement, it can also affect self esteem, reflect betrayal, justify possessiveness, and cause violence.
Where does jealousy fit in your relationship? Is it experienced in a constructive or destructive way?
Both men and women are wired to be jealous as a solution to the problem of reproduction and survival.
In prehistoric times man had to keep his partner from sexual activity with a rival to ensure ownership of offspring. Women physically “know” their own children. The women needed to keep their man’s attention and love from a rival to ensure protection and survival.
In studies of men and women in sexually committed relationships, men reacted with more jealousy to sexual infidelity, and women responded with more jealousy to emotional infidelity—the thought that their partner could “love” someone else is the most upsetting aspect of betrayal for women.
If you find that you are often feeling jealous about your partner but there seems no legitimate reason that your partner has given to make you feel this way, you may want to self-reflect.
Too often we turn the focus on the object of our love rather than our own capacity to love.
Are you secure in your capacity to love your partner in a way that makes both you and your partner feel loved, liked, desirable and secure?
Are you threatened about the connection your partner has with work friends, neighbors, or teammates?
Is your worry driven by your own feelings of self-criticism, boredom, or discontent?
Are you overly fatigued since the baby, lonley after retirement, isolated from working from home? Does your partner know?
It is understandable that all of the above may lower your confidence and increase your possessive worry about losing your partner to another.
While most of us have a built-in denial of the possibility that someone we love could be betraying us, it is sometimes hard to ignore the persistent feeling that “something is just not right,” and that “someone” is between you.
Some People React Indirectly: They use avoidance, negative digs, criticism about other things, even competitive flirting-none of which invites clarity or more closeness with the partner.
Some Gather Evidence And Outside Supporters: They try to ease the fear of loss. This is understandable, as people often need a sounding board; but oversharing with many people can complicate the reality and the bond you need to examine and possibly re-build.
Some Decide To Use Their Suspicion As A Point Of Information: They move in to reclaim the relationship and the intimacy.Sometimes, without too much said, their proactive efforts to involve the other, plan something different, etc., bring a reciprocal positive response. If the relationship regains life, they don’t look back. It does happen.
Most Confront the Partner: Confronting a partner with your suspicions and concerns can be frightening and disruptive. Some warn that if you don’t want the answer—don’t ask the question.
When confronting is done as a screaming accusation, it offers little besides making your partner a victim.
When confronting is met with stonewalling and deceit from a partner, it is a matter of time before you make the decision to do something or live in an unhappy way.
When jealousy is the collateral damage of a partner’s earlier betrayal, confronting it again can be a source of pain and contention for both or an opportunity to remind each other of what is different now, what was learned, and what amends were made.
When confronting makes dialogue possible, it can be a step toward evaluating, repairing, or rebuilding the bond.
However stirred, when jealousy becomes obsessive vigilance and threatening possessiveness that keeps you and your partner from living in a free and healthy way, it is toxic to any relationship.
If your partner has no freedom to choose to be with you—you don’t have a partner, you have a prisoner.
If you can’t help endlessly checking-up on your partner, you are not relating—you are stalking.
If, on the other hand, you continue to betray your partner while accusing him/her of jealousy—take stock of your need to be falsely connected at the cost of hurting everyone else.
If you are staying in a relationship built on fear of loss to a rival, the relationship may have little to do with love and much more to do with a lack of real connection and happiness.
Professional help and outside support are necessary and crucial resources for both partners.
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