You can’t seem to get through to them no matter how hard you try. The issues you have always get twisted around.
Here are some strong signs someone is deflecting in a relationship, and what to do about it.
What is deflection in a relationship?
Deflection happens when someone tries to avoid responsibility for their actions and feelings by placing the blame on someone else. In this case, they’re trying to shift blame away from themselves. It’s often used as a way of avoiding confrontation or conflict.
How does deflection work?
When people use deflection, they may appear to be open and honest at first, but then they start to make excuses or blame others for things that have happened. They’ll say something like: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Or “It wasn’t my fault.”
Why does deflection happen?
Sometimes, people who are feeling vulnerable will resort to using deflection because they don’t want to deal with the truth. They might not want to admit that they’ve done wrong, or that they’re responsible for causing problems.
In essence, deflection is a defense mechanism that people adopt so that they can preserve the image they have of themselves.
How do you know if someone is deflecting?
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is where someone makes you feel crazy or paranoid. They tell you that you’re imagining things, or that you’re making too much of them.
But there’s nothing imaginary about what your partner is doing. You’re seeing exactly what is going on.
Yet their way of handling things is to try to make you question your perception.
If they can get you to think twice about the reality of things, it takes the spotlight (and the heat) off them.
Classic examples of gaslighting in a relationship are:
Blatantly lying to you, but refusing to admit it.
Trying to minimize how you feel and suggesting you are blowing things out of proportion.
Rewriting the facts and implying it didn’t happen as it did.
Trying to discredit you and suggest your perception of things can’t be trusted.
2-Playing the victim
This is when someone uses manipulation tactics to make the other person wrong. You may feel like no matter what happens in your relationship, it is always your fault. Any issues you two have are never down to them.
Even if it is you who is trying to raise a problem with something your partner has done, they’ll still twist it so that it comes back on you. They can’t admit fault and so your partner is likely to deny any wrongdoing.
For instance, they’ll say things like: “You’re so overly sensitive!” Or “That was totally unfair.”
Or they’ll complain about something that happened to them, and then turn around and blame you for it.
A person who deflects blame will play the role of the helpless victim in your relationship so that you become the target of their anger.
You may end up taking on the responsibility for whatever they’re upset about. So instead of dealing with their own issues, they lash out at you. And they use you as a scapegoat.
3-They blame circumstances
If it’s not your fault, then it’s likely to be someone or something else that is to blame for their actions.
If they did something wrong, rather than admit it’s on them, they go looking for other excuses.
People who deflect in a relationship find it very difficult to take responsibility for themselves. They can’t handle the self-reflection that would require.
So they have a list of excuses on hand to fall back on.
They cheated because they were drunk. They haven’t been paying you attention because they’re busy with work. They were out all night partying because their friend needed cheering up.
It could be anything. But instead of looking closer to home, they prefer to blame the circumstances for the situation they find themselves in.
4-They can’t understand where you are coming from
Partners who deflect often lack the empathy to see where you are coming from.
You may feel like they have very little awareness of what it’s like to be in your shoes.
When you share your feelings, it can even appear that they don’t seem to care. They just want to hear themselves talk. They may quickly get annoyed at you.
They don’t really listen to what you have to say. Instead, they talk over you, interrupt you, and argue with you.
They might try to change the subject whenever you bring up a topic that makes them uncomfortable.
They may also tell you that you are being unreasonable by bringing up certain subjects. Or claim that you are oversensitive.
You’ve tried talking to them about these things before, but nothing seems to help.
5-You keep going around in circles
If you notice that you keep getting into arguments over the same things time after time, it could be that you’re dealing with someone who uses deflection in a relationship.
Deflecting in an argument is common as it’s often when we feel most threatened and in need of a defense mechanism.
Perhaps you feel like you are always raising the same problems, but they never take your feedback on board, and so you just keep going around in a circle but never resolving your issues.
When we deflect things, we don’t get to the root of the problem. We miss the opportunity to grow and correct behavior.
But that means your partner will most likely keep repeating their actions,rather than change.
And that most likely means you keep having the exact same fights over and over again.
6-It’s always tit for tat
If you try to make them see when they are wrong, they retaliate and find something you have done wrong to throw back in your face.
It doesn’t even need to be something recent or relevant that they use as ammunition.
If you highlight something they did wrong, they might quickly snap back at you with:
“Well you’re no angel either, remember when you…”Or “You’re a fine one to talk, don’t forget that…”
This shows that they are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they are quick to deflect by pointing out every single thing you’ve ever done wrong.
7-They’re in denial
One of the most infuriating things about dealing with a partner who deflects is often making them see this.
It’s part of the defense mechanism to deny their actions so that they don’t have to hold themselves accountable.
They most likely will struggle to admit or acknowledge they have any problem at all.
8-They tell you what you want to hear
Another form of subtle deflection is appeasing your partner, just to get them to drop something.
You may get the impression that even though they are saying nice things, they’re just saying what they think you want to hear. It’s a way to manipulate you and avoid conflict.
For example, if they have behaved badly and you try to call them out, they may something like:
“You know I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you”.
Rather than being a sign of guilt or remorse, it’s a way of getting them off the hook.
What if you really didn't do what your partner is saying and the way you are responding appears to be deflecting.