Have you ever had this experience? Your partner (or someone close to you) says something hurtful, or behaves in a hurtful way, and then later, when confronted, won’t talk about it, or insists it never happened? These people may claim they never said or did what you say they did, or that they would never say such a thing or use such a tone. They say that you are making it up.
Denial can then lead to attack—you are the one in the wrong, controlling and misjudging with your incorrect reality.
Most of us have had this experience, and it can be difficult and painful to deal with. When your partner denies ever having done what hurt you, it can feel like a brick wall goes up. Empathy for something you “made up” is not an option.
When denial is at work, it can feel as if there is no possibility of improving the situation or of preventing what hurt you from happening again. According to your partner, what hurt you never happened. So, not only is your hurt invalid, but nothing about what happened—or didn’t happen—can then be addressed or resolved.
When someone close to you denies having said what you clearly heard and upset you—it feels enraging, and heartbreaking.
In any conversation, what we hear is being filtered through our own personal history, and our own narrative about the other person. What we hear is affected by what’s happening in that specific moment, and by all the years of interactions we’ve ever had with that person. We each hear and experience something different in almost every interaction.
Often, when couples are asked to describe what took place in what they claim was the “same” situation, their stories are unrecognizable when compared.
What’s clear is that even though there may be one external reality, one set of words that technically were spoken—and that an audio recorder could play back—the rest of what actually happened is created in our own mind. So, anytime we are absolutely convinced that we heard certain words or a certain tone, we want to be mindful of the fact that we were hearing those words, and that tone, through a whole history of experiences, expectations, and wounds.
Our partner is also remembering those words, and that tone, through a whole history of experiences, expectations, and wounds. This doesn’t change the fact that we heard what we heard, and we’re sure of it. We’re also sure of the pain we felt in hearing it. In our reality, that is the truth. So we hold this truth and, at the same time, we recognize that what’s real and what’s true are different for everyone.
The kind of denial I am addressing here is of a more basic variety—the kind that’s just plain denial. You know it when you see it: partners claiming that they didn’t do or say something they said or did. Or, that something they laid on you, like anger, wasn’t actually anger, even when they were fuming with rage. The kind of denial that’s maddening and crazy-making kind, when there is a refusal to own or acknowledge what actually happened.
So, what can you do when you run into this kind of denial?
The first thing to do, is to stop, take a deep breath, and acknowledge what’s happening inside you. Take a half second to feel how painful it is to be told that what you lived didn’t happen, and your hurt is not real.
Secondly, use “I” statements whenever possible. Lead with the words “for me” when you offer your experience. For example: “I heard you say such and such,” or “I experienced you as angry,” or “For me, it felt like anger.”
Leaving out the “you said this” or “you did that” statements will turn down the heat on the conflict and will also ease the fight about who’s right about what actually happened.
As soon as you realize your partner is going with denial, immediately stop yourself from any battles about what actually happened. Drop the conversation about whose version of reality is the truth. You will not win your fight to be right.
The more you try to convince others of what actually happened, or try to get them to admit what they said, the more frustrated, angry, and hurt you will become.
Shift the conversation to what you want and need in the relationship. Your partner’s denial need not block you from expressing your own needs.
The reality is that you are not going to get an apology for something the other person claims never happened, or get empathy for what you (wrongly) experienced. But you can use this denial as an opportunity to be clear about what you need and wish could happen going forward.
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