You may be on the same page with your partner for most things, but there will come a time when you don’t see eye to eye. You have some choices: You can ignore your differences, or you can keep on trying to persuade your partner to see it your way, or you can get increasingly angry and eventually let your partner have it.
It’s probably a better idea to try to tackle your differences, with the goal of finding some common ground, some area of compromise. How do you do that when you feel strongly about an issue or problem, but so does your partner?
Here are some tips -
1- Be present and focused
Clear away all distractions. Pay close attention. Your only job is to listen carefully and to try to understand, not only what’s being said, but the emotions being expressed. Give your partner all the time they need to explain their side of the argument, discussion
2- Don’t lecture
Your ideas and beliefs are just that—you’re ideas and beliefs. No more or less valid than your partner’s ideas and beliefs. Don’t lecture.
3- Listen with complete attention
Real listening is hard to do. Many of us try to think ahead of ourselves. Don’t just have your next point lined up in your head ready to pounce as soon as your partner is finished speaking. You’ll have completely missed out on what they’re saying. Composing your best response to challenge their point of view is totally counterproductive. The idea is not to win but to honor both points of view respectfully.
4- Consider your partner’s feelings. Sometimes, we argue just to be right, and sometimes just to get our way. Often it’s a power struggle. We should never assume anything about how someone thinks, acts, and feels without having them explain it to us. Don’t ever assume that your way of experiencing anything is the way everyone else does. Don’t assume that because someone loves you they will want to experience things your way.
5-Anger doesn’t have to be angry
Anger doesn’t have to be angry. This sounds funny but it’s true. Some people get angry right away. You don’t agree with them and they’re angry. And some people just wait too long to express how they really feel and allow their feelings to fester until they can’t take it any longer. Some people think that you have to act out anger to express being angry.
6-Don’t threaten
Take timeout breaks. If you find yourself getting emotionally and even physically upset, overwhelmed, or overwrought, take a break from the discussion for a period of time, say a half-hour, to collect yourself, to collect your thoughts, to calm down, and to avoid becoming reactive, saying things you don’t mean.
Learning how to manage your differences in a civil and respectful way is an acquired skill, something you have to work on.
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