“Working on our communication”is one of the most commonly cited reasons why couples seek relationship counseling. This is not surprising. Often, over time, even the best of relationships can fall victim to negative communication patterns.
This is especially true for couples who find themselves under a lot of stress because, naturally, when our coping mechanisms are overtaxed, we default to older—more primitive and less mature—ways of coping.
A colleague used to say that when we are in distress, we turn into caricatures of ourselves—i.e., our worst qualities become exaggerated, and it gets harder to employ our most thought-out and balanced ways of interacting with the world.
However, there are several tweaks that do not require significant time or effort, just repetition and attention to our automatic behaviors that we can make in order to improve our connection with our partners.
1. Mirror and reciprocate.
Think of mirroring and reciprocating as your two most valuable strategies to make your partner feel understood and valued.
Mirroring is a way of listening and clarifying what your partner is saying, without inserting your own thoughts or judgments. Frequently, in conversation, we listen to respond, rather than to hear what the other person is trying to convey to us. This can result in partners often having two parallel conversations and not truly hearing each other.
Instead, try to actively listen to your significant other and, first, in your own mind, answer the question, “What are they actually trying to tell me?” Then, reflect what you understood back to them.
Mirroring can sound something like this: “So, I think I heard you say that you are frustrated with your boss because of…” Notice how different this response is from: “Well, I don’t think your boss meant it that way,” or “I have never seen my boss do that.”
Reciprocating, on the other hand, involves noticing your partner’s bids for intimacy and responding to them with engagement and attention. For example, if your partner asks for a date night, they may be trying to connect with you without directly saying it.
Reciprocating may mean accepting the suggestion or, if you are unable to, offering a different time. Think of how you yourself would feel if your partner responds to a bid for connection with, “I have to work late this Friday, but how about Sunday evening?” rather than a disengaged, “Sorry, I can’t on Friday.”
2. Say thank you.
Frequently, as our relationships deepen and we become accustomed to the daily routines, we forget to do the little things that show our partner that we appreciate them. While it may sound redundant that we should thank our significant others for doing mundane chores like throwing out the garbage, unloading the dishwasher, or filling up our gas tank, do not underestimate the power of positive reinforcement.
Even if those are chores that “belong” to the other person in a relationship, saying “Thank you” demonstrates to them that you are not taking them for granted. Think of “Thank you” as a very low-risk and low-effort but high-return investment.
3. Apologize the right way.
Here’s the thing about apologies: Most of us were never taught how to apologize properly. We produce vague, half-hearted, or “sorry, but...” kinds of apologies that often not only miss the mark but have the potential to cause more harm.
A good apology—one that can transform our relationship for the better—has no ifs and buts in it, and involves taking full responsibility of our actions.
Apologizing in a constructive way includes the following steps:
Don’t be defensive. Don’t listen to the person for the purpose of responding or explaining yourself; listen to understand them.
Be authentic in your apology by showing genuine remorse.
Of course you can explain away why you acted in a certain way! However, in an effective apology, your reasoning is irrelevant. Stick to expressing sincere regret, and avoid excuses or rationalizations.
Right-size your apology. Many of us will overdo apologies by going overboard and overcompensating. An apology should be about the person you are apologizing to and their feelings.
Actions matter more than intentions. Ultimately, it is the effects of your actions and words that matter, not your intentions
Pay attention to physical touch.
Besides the fact that touch has been shown to boost our immune system (it literally helps us produce the so-called killer cells that fight viruses, bacteria, and cancers), moderate-pressure touching, like rubbing your partner’s back or holding their hand, in fact, helps the body produce more serotonin, which is a natural anti depressant.
5. Play together.
Do you remember a time when you and your partner felt joyful together, lost in a moment? Maybe you were sightseeing, or you went to a comedy show, or perhaps you played fetch with your dog on the beach. This is playing. To adults, it is equivalent to when children engage in imaginative games, fantasy, or fun activities together.
When playing with your partner, you both enter a shared relational space which enhances your bond and allows you to be your authentic selves together. It is as if you are together in a reality of your own, a world that belongs only to the two of you.
What is more, play in its nature is autotelic—existing for its own sake, rather than carried out because of external pressures not inherent in the activity itself. In play, the joy of being together is the goal in and of itself. In turn, playing together creates a sense of knowing the other person, feeling safe with them, and improving your intimate connection.
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