It's important to be aware of the signs of emotional manipulation and abuse so you'll know if your relationship is taking an unhealthy and potentially dangerous turn.
Here are nine signs of emotional abuse to look out for.
1. Using insecurities against you
Emotional manipulators may use your insecurities, flaws, and fears against you to bring you down.
For example, they may bring up insecurities when you're already feeling down, or point out your flaws in front of others.
Or, it may take the form of a backhanded compliment. If your partner says, 'Oh I like your outfit today. You don't look as chunky as usual' you likely wouldn't take it as a genuine compliment. You would feel hurt and very insulted.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that can make you question the reality of the abuse you're facing in a relationship. It's a way for an abuser to manipulate their victim into doubting their own sanity or judgement.
If your partner says or does something to intentionally hurt you and you confront them at a later time, gaslighting would be if they said, ‘That never happened' or 'Oh you're crazy!' The response is intended to not only deny, but also make you question if the scenario in fact happened.
This manipulation tactic is typically employed when you are raising a concern to your partner. When you confront them, they'll gaslight you so that your concerns feel invalid and they maintain control.
Guilt as a tactic
Emotional manipulators may use guilt against you to get what they want.
For example, they may consistently remind you of past wrongdoings you've done, or of nice things that they have done for you in the past so you feel a sense of obligation to them. They may also say “What have you done for me!”
"We are all susceptible to guilt at times, and some use guilt without being conscious of it. A highly skilled emotional manipulator, however, is able to pinpoint how to instill those feelings in those around them, and use this to their benefit.
5. Passive aggression
When someone is being passive-aggressive, they will indirectly express their negative thoughts or feelings.
For example, your partner might use sarcastic humor or refuse to have a constructive conversation about your conflict.
"Finding ways to express frustration or dissatisfaction without actually voicing any issues can keep the other party feeling unsure, anxious and on edge, which is key to manipulation as a whole.
6. Moving goalposts
"Moving goalposts" is another manipulation tactic used by abusers that can make you feel unsteady and insecure in your relationship.
With this tactic, the abuser will intentionally make it hard to please them by changing their requests and desires often.
"By continuously shifting the expectations of what's necessary to keep them satisfied, someone engaging in emotional manipulation is able to keep their target invested in keeping them happy for fear of losing the relationship.
For example, your partner may say they need you to give them more of your time. Once you've done that, they shift their expectations and they will say they need space.
7. Smokescreens
Smokescreening is a tactic that's used when you raise a concern in your relationship. You may try to stand up for yourself and voice a concern, and then your partner deflects from the spotlight you put on them.
For example: "If you tell your partner 'When you yell at me, I feel disrespected' and they respond with 'Really? You're the one that is always being incredibly disrespectful.
In this case, they shift the blame onto you, bringing up an unrelated situation to steer the conversation in a different direction.
This shows a lack of accountability on your partner's end, leaving the blame shifted on you, allowing for your partner to get away with what they've done.
8. Violating boundaries
A manipulator might ignore you when you say "no," totally ignoring your boundaries.
For example, you might tell your partner you don't like when they make comments about your appearance, but they continue to do so. Or, if you tell them you don't like when they yell at you, and they continue to do so.
"When they are presented with boundaries they either encroach, push, or completely violate the boundaries. This is a blatant show that their only concern is having their way and getting their need.
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