Maybe you try to talk your partner about your some stressors in the relationship and they interrupt you, brush you off, look at their phone, or they didn’t hear you, they say. You feel invisible, dismissed.
This is one of the most common complaints from couples: One partner feels that they have no voice, are not heard, and by the time they see a counselor they’re fed up.
Some of us are obviously more sensitive to such interactions than others, and childhood experiences are always part of the mix.
The “lost child” in the alcoholic family says they felt overlooked and forgotten. They coped by withdrawing, their siblings found more assertive ways of getting attention: the hero, the rebel. Or, you may have grown up with dominating parents where children were seen but not heard.
Early experiences of feeling dismissed become part of the problem: Not only because you continue to be sensitive to these slights and hurts as an adult, but when triggered, you automatically slip into that “little kid” response: You feel one-down, angry but powerless, and have a hard time speaking up or pushing back.
Time to speak up and push back. Here’s how:
Even though you’re frustrated yet again with your partner and you’re fed up, this is not the time to make your case. Your frustration likely only triggers their defensiveness, and you’ll both get stuck in an argument over whose reality is right. You lose your point and voice.
Instead, pick a time when you are both calm and talk about the larger pattern of behavior that you’ve noticed: The frequent (don’t say always) looking at the phone, interruptions, or the lack of follow through.
At this point, they may get defensive, want you to supply evidence when they did any of this, or feel you’re just complaining and dismiss what you’re saying yet again).
Don’t take the bait or go down that rabbit hole. Say instead that the point is that this hurts your feelings, that you feel dismissed or unheard, and that you realize this is your reaction but that it bothers you.
Again, think big pattern but be concrete. Say, Stop interrupting me or looking at your phone when I'm talking; By being clear, you avoid the miscommunication of their thinking that they’re doing what you want, can't get it right, and you're never satisfied.
Like most old wounds that we are sensitive to and trigger us, the key is doing now what you couldn’t do as a child—letting others know how you feel, what bothers you, and what you need. By doing this, you not only solve those problems that have been dogging you but, in the process, heal those childhood wounds.
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