Some clients do not want to end their affairs even though the therapist can envision the future consequences, but other than helping the client examine a full range of options beyond an affair, there is not much to do in this position. Simply put, if a client does not want to change, change won’t happen. Change is extremely difficult, even when someone wants it.
Complicating matters is the fact that there are several types of affairs. For example, some affairs are purely emotional. In this case, a connection has been established between the two lovers. To some, this is the most threatening kind of affair because they fear their partner might have fallen in love with another.
After discovering that her husband had sex with a prostitute, a female client told me that she was relieved:
I do not feel as threatened by pure sex with a professional who I know does not love my husband. I would rather he be with a prostitute than have an affair with someone in the neighborhood or at work. That to me that would be more threatening to our marriage.
Women take emotions more into account. Men, however, tend to become more upset when their female partner has a sexual relationship–it threatens their sense of masculinity.
To me an affair is an attempt to make an adjustment to the person you are already involved with. It is not and will never be a complete overhaul. I am not downplaying the need for such an adjustment, but it is just an adjustment, nothing more dramatic than that. If you could get that adjustment from your current partner, you would not be having an affair in the first place. This theory does not account for hookups or sex compulsion, but it does for the average person in a long-term relationship or someone about to enter one.
Consider the following case example:
John was referred for treatment because he was having an affair with Lana, a woman he met at a club. And even though he confessed this to his wife, Carol, she saw it as “his” problem and refused to go to couples therapy with him.
Typically, John’s affair began with him and Lana commiserating about their unsatisfactory marriages. John told Lana that Carol was cold, selfish, and unloving. Lana said the same about her husband. Both partners were married for twenty-plus years and claimed to have been dissatisfied for at least the last ten years.
While I never met Lana, John told me that she was wonderful, caring, sexy, and the opposite of his wife.
In response to this, I offered: “Well, she cannot be the complete opposite of your wife if you picked her.”
To this, John was stunned. He was sure that he simply chose wrong to marry his wife and needed a change. He was convinced that if he had chosen Lana or someone like her, he would not be in his situation.
When I reiterated that he had chosen someone like Lana, he once again looked at me as if I were crazy.
John offered a common defense: If there is a problem with your current partner, pick someone different.
There was a camp administrator who was getting yet another divorce. How could something like that happen?
His response:
Well, my first wife was Italian and she yelled at me all the time. My second wife was Jewish, and she wanted me to make more money. My third wife was a WASP and never showed any emotion. So, I am marrying a Hindu woman this time.
Racist, stereotypical, yes. And even though he was joking, his response had an element of truth. The main point is that people who lack insight often employ this kind of logic to solve their relationship issues.
If a current partner drinks, they must be traded in for a nondrinker. They might not consider that, for some reason, they are attracted to those with substance use disorders. Instead, they just look to sort out those who drink too much alcohol.
Back to John and Lana. John could not see my perspective until he began to want more from Lana. It was only then that he realized how selfish she could be.
When he proposed ending their respective marriages and running off together, Lana told him that he did not make enough money for them to thrive.
When he countered that they each would receive some compensation from their long-term marriages, Lana switched and said that she could not hurt the children.
When John cited research that suggested divorce might be a desirable alternative for children who would otherwise grow up in a home that lacks love, Lana countered that she liked her home and neighborhood and did not want to move.
And finally, when John suggested that Lana go to therapy to sort things out, she responded negatively to the idea, just as his wife did.
As John found out more about his lover, he ended the relationship. But instead of going back to his wife, he ended that as well and decided to stay in therapy to learn how to make that adjustment he needed to choose a better mate, which he did.
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