Experiencing a loss of attraction in your relationship? You’re not alone.
One of the most common causes of stress for people in relationships, is feeling like; "I'm not sexually attracted to my partner but I'm attracted to others". And this statement alone usually brings up a lot of worrisome questions and fears.
But, is it a sign something terrible is on the horizon?
Not necessarily - even when you’re attracted to other people but not sexually attracted to your partner.
The big question is: can a relationship work if there's no physical attraction?
When it comes to physical attraction, for many people, the sparks that flew at the beginning of a relationship change over time.
As you get to know your partner and move from the infatuation phase to the secure phase of attachment - the hormonal cocktail that made you feel hot and bothered all the time - changes. And most often, dies down a bit.
This isn’t a problem. But is it disappointing? Yes, it can be. But it’s actually a good sign - because it means there are other things in your relationship keeping you together - beyond the intense feeling of being attracted to your partner.
It’s a sign you’ve reached that deep love. The stuff people long for. The stuff that makes people feel whole. The stuff that gives life meaning.
The question of whether a relationship can work when there’s no physical attraction is a complicated one - because it depends on a few different factors. But the short answer is yes, it can.
There are 3 factors to explore to help understand what you can do from here if you’re not sexually attracted to your partner:
Factor #1 - if it's not important
For some people, sex and attraction isn’t as important as other variables in the relationship.
People who feel this way may identify as asexual or simply as having low desire or no sex drive.
If this sounds like you, you may feel other parts of your relationship are significantly more important than sex itself. In this case, physical attraction doesn't matter as much as building a life together.
Factor #2 - if it used to be important
In other relationships, sex used to be important and has, for whatever reason, become less important over time.
And when this happens it can cause great stress. Because surely it must mean something when sex goes from important I-need-to-have-you-now feelings and veers into i-love-you-but-no-thanks-territory?
And when the sex dies down and you feel a whole lot of nothing sexually - it can feel bothersome as attraction is important to you (and possibly your partner too), sustain your relationship.
The mere fact of having less interest in sex can sound alarm bells within you. In cases like this, the loss of physical attraction to your partner is something to dive into within yourself. And possibly something to address with your partner too.
Factor #3 - if you never felt attracted to begin with
For some, it’s not so much that you’ve lost your sexual attraction to your partner - it’s that you were never attracted to them to begin with. And that worked in the beginning as you were (and still are) deeply attached to your partner on emotionally. But now it sets off worry and anxiety within you.
Because is it even possible to create sexual attraction this deep into a relationship? And would you even know where to begin?
If you’re in boat two or three - it's important to ask yourself if you are willing to do the work to go from not feeling sexually attracted to becoming attracted to your partner.
Because you can turn things around (a true testament to how powerful our thoughts are when it comes to romantic relationships)
My general philosophy is this: if you've ever felt physical attraction to your partner (even years ago) - you can get that back.
It might not always be the easiest thing in the world - but it’s possible.
And if you’re in the first boat, where you’ve never felt physical attraction to your partner and want to develop that in your relationship, there are things you can do, too.
All in all, the good news is that wherever you’re starting from, if you’re motivated by interest and attention - there are many things you can do to explore growing your attraction to your partner.
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