How do I know if the work our relationship needs is too much work?
I believe that every committed relationship deserves your best shot and, if that doesn’t work out, a decent burial.
Seven Questions to ask yourself about your relationship
1. How long have you been together and how high are the stakes?
Around eighteen months to three years into a relationship, the high of falling in love begins to wear off. Previously, you would push down doubts with lovemaking or romantic gestures, you need to face differences and work through them. It is easy to panic and think there is something wrong with your relationship rather than it’s entering a new phase.
2. What were your expectations going into the relationship?
3. What is the pattern of your past relationships?
Write down a list of all your significant relationships—back to your teenage years. How long did each one last? Why did they break down? Who finished the relationship? Have you fallen for the same type over and over again?
Rather than letting history repeat itself, it is worth staying (for the time being) and discovering if you can break the pattern. If you do decide to leave, you will still need to work on yourself or the likelihood is your next relationship could be similar.
4. What could you do differently?
You end up either trying to convince their partner that “I’m right and you’re wrong” or forcing change by upping the stakes on failed strategies (for example, shouting louder or sulking for longer).
What would happen if you focused on the one person, you can change— yourself? You could do the opposite of your usual reaction. If you go silent, try talking. If you pour your heart out, focus on what you really want to say and communicate just one key message.
5. Is someone else coloring the picture?
Are you talking to someone about your relationship problems who has their own agenda? Perhaps your mother does not like your partner. Or, your best friend recently got divorced and is trying to convince themself it was the right choice by encouraging you to do the same.
What if you are attracted to someone else and this person makes your marriage look dull and unappetizing. Perhaps your mind is being poisoned by someone else’s biased take on your partner.
6. Does divorce seem like a magical solution?
“Once we are apart, she will have no right to tell me what to do” or “It will be difficult but I will not be constantly let down by him.” Sadly, divorce normally makes people behave worse rather than better—especially when they feel it was imposed rather than chosen. Instead of arguing in the kitchen, you end up arguing over text messages with even more misunderstandings and bitterness. Just like saving your marriage, a good divorce takes time and energy.
7. What could you learn from doing the work?
You choose your partner for deeper reasons than just looks and attraction. The topics the two of you fight about (and the style) are an expressway to understanding your childhood wounds and although painful, present a great opportunity for growth.
Working on improving communication is never wasted. If you’re lucky, it can help you find a way back to each other and, if not, will lay the groundwork for a more peaceful split and an easier time for all involved.
Ultimately, behind the question, How do I know if the work our relationship needs is too much work, there are two competing philosophies at play. One believes in the romantic myth that great marriages are built on connection and chemistry. So if there are problems, wouldn’t it be better to find someone who would be a better fit? The other is more practical and believes true connection comes from facing problems, learning from them, and growing together. What side are you on?
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