“The first duty of love is to listen.” –Paul Tillich
Most people don’t really know how to listen: They may hear, but there is already an interpretation, judgment, and criticism being made about what is being said. Or they listen but only think more about what they want to say than hearing the speaker.
True listening involves a skill set and an attitude. Here are some simple rules to follow to improve your listening quality when sharing happy or exciting things.
Knowing how you listen will improve your relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Dos for How to Listen-
Use curiosity instead of judgment. We often listen with a critical ear. We have built-in judgments that snap into place when our partner speaks. This listening style distorts what is being said because you interpret rather than try to understand.
The ‘cure’ for pre-judging what you are listening to is curiosity.
Put yourself in a position of wanting to learn more about what is being said rather than evaluating it. Curiosity opens you—judgment separates you.
Statements like “Tell me more” and “That’s so interesting, how did you get involved” help to expand and keep the other person talking.
Celebrate good news- An example of responding is: “Wow, that is great that you got the new job. Tell me how they let you know about it!”
When you listen for good things, you and your partner share and bond at a very different level. Research shows that when you can respond like this, it is one of the best and strongest ways to strengthen and improve a relationship.
Don’ts for How to Listen-
Don’t treat your partner’s enthusiasm with a wet blanket. Passive-constructive responding involves showing people support in a quiet and understated way. For example, “Glad you got the job you wanted” is so understated of a reaction to the good news that it is considered one of the very worst things you can say.
An understated response to good news will leave your partner feeling foolish, disappointed, or unappreciated by you. When good news is excitedly shared, show you are happy for them. You may not be enthusiastic about it as they are–or you may have a critical response–but let them know you see how happy they are about it and use your curiosity to get them to relive it. A passive-constructive reply will quickly shut down communication.
Don’t criticize a happy event- Active-destructive responding is when there is a direct criticism that demeans the event. Instead of celebrating your partner getting a new job, an active-destructive response might be: “Any more money you make in the new job will be taken away by being in the higher tax bracket.”
While this may be true and may very well be important information for the person, you’ll want to temper your criticism by making sure you let them know you are happy for them
Don’t ignore someone else’s joy. Particularly when someone is sharing an accomplishment, achievement, or a wonderful experience, don’t ignore their joy by talking about your own. This is known as passive-destructive responding and happens when the event is ignored by the listener. For instance, if one person shares the good news about getting a new job, you don’t want to answer “I just bought a new car!” as a direct response to the job news. This will leave your partner hanging, waiting to be noticed by you.
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