The “I’m sorry you feel that way” approach, along with avoiding an argument so you don’t have to admit fault, is good old fashioned gaslighting.
Gaslight—is a form of psychological abuse through verbal, written, and/or physical actions that causes the recipient to question their experiences and reality.
Non-apologies do more harm than any good. The goal behind them is to deflect, pretend to apologize, and win the disagreement by placing blame back on the individual or group making the initial concern. This thinking and behavior not only dismisses the concern, but it attempts to invalidate it and stop any further discussion.
Sorry gaslighting, instead of silencing, actually creates a deeper issue. Any qualified medical professional will tell you to clean a wound thoroughly before bandaging and to follow up on the wound over time to make sure it is healing properly.
So, when someone raises a concern, letting that concern become infected and dismissed with sorry gaslighting, only causes the issue to get worse. A better practice is to ask why the concern exists and to address the disagreement with a focus on finding a solution.
Since recipients of this sorry gaslighting are not silenced, but rather psychologically harmed, users of the “I’m sorry you feel that way” language should consider asking themselves why they feel the need to provide this abusive response.
The insensitivity of choosing to gaslight rather than to be conscientious and thoughtful enough to ask why, lies in the need for control issues and avoidance of apologies. The sender could consider how they would feel if someone chose to sorry gaslight them.
Here are some points to consider next time you feel the need to use your power dynamic to sorry gaslight:
Ask yourself: Why you are avoiding addressing the concern presented to you?
Figure out why you felt challenged, and the need to avoid the concern. Beyond any bias, is there any truth to the concern? Thoughtful people rarely bring concerns without substance, so what are you missing or not seeing in your interactions with this person?
Seeking a qualified counselor can help you understand why you sorry gaslight, and can direct you towards meaningful interpersonal interactions.
Gaslighting is psychological abuse that creates harm. Learning why you engage in this abuse and how you can stop harming others can lead to meaningful lived experiences.
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