However much a mother may wish it weren't so, her ex is the children’s father and should never be airbrushed out of their lives..."
Research shows that children are often so desperate not to hurt the parent they live with that they'll say whatever they know she (it's usually the mother) wants to hear. They may even say they no longer want any contact with Daddy - when actually, they still love him.
The parent who has left home is in a far weaker position than the furious mother. Indeed, a lot of fathers are sufficiently intimidated that contact with their children gradually shrivels and even stops. If a dad insists on seeing them, the mother may eventually realise that she can't continue refusing access without a very good reason. At that point, she may set about producing one.
Some women say there's been sexual abuse or domestic violence. They may suggest that the father's environment is unsafe, or that he's a bad influence (alcoholism, drug addiction and mental illness may be mentioned), or that they suspect he'll take the child.
Whether such claims are accurate or not, they'll have to be investigated.
Understandably, the father is often outraged. If the mother's accusation has never previously been mentioned, it may seem difficult to understand why anyone takes any notice.
However, if there's the least chance that a parent has been abusive, no contact can be allowed until the matter has been investigated. That means the father will have to go to the court. But the date for that hearing may be months away- and until then, he won't be able to see his child. As a result, their relationship will be further damaged.
The very best way to manage the break-up of a family, with minimal long-term harm to your children is to support the relationships that each of you has with the children.
Granted, it's not easy; it may even seem downright impossible. But whatever you're feeling about your ex is irrelevant. He's never going to be an 'ex' to the children. To them he's just Daddy.
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