1. The Empty Apology
“I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry.”
The empty apology is all form but no substance. It’s what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can’t gather a real feeling to put behind it. So you go through the motions, literally saying the words, but not meaning it. And that ends up being pretty clear to the person receiving the message.
2. The Excessive Apology
“I’m so sorry! I feel so bad. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I feel so bad about this…”
In theory, apologizing is meant to rectify a wrong and rebuild a damaged relationship. But with excessive apologies, you do no such thing. This tactic, instead, has the effect of drawing the attention to your own feelings, rather than to what you’ve done to another person.
The excessive apology can come across in a couple different ways. One type is when you insert so much emotion it seems over-the-top for the situation.
You forget to distribute copies in advance of a meeting, and you’re on the ground begging for forgiveness.
Another form is when you apologize too many times for the transgression you’ve committed. You don’t grovel, but you do apologize four, five, six times — indirectly begging the other person to tell you it’s OK. In either case, your apology is ultimately more focused on you, rather than the person you’ve harmed or repairing the relationship, which defeats the original purpose of an apology.
3. The Incomplete Apology
“I’m sorry that this happened.”
Sometimes your apology is edging toward effective and appropriate, but it just doesn’t quite hit the mark. Those who study apologizing for a living suggest that an effective apology has three key components:
-taking responsibility for your role in a situation or event
-expressing regret & asking forgiveness
-promising it won’t happen again (or that you’ll at least try to prevent it in the future).
The incomplete apology touches on a few of these elements, but not all. For example, you might take partial responsibility for your role, but not express regret or ask forgiveness. Or you might express some regret for the circumstances of the other person, but not admit your role. (“I’m sorry that you feel this way.”) Either way, the apology is incomplete — and so too is its likely effectiveness.
4. The Denial
“This simply wasn’t my fault.”
Finally, sometimes, your ego gets the best of you and you simply don’t apologize at all. Perhaps you’re so frustrated or angry that instead of apologizing, you defend, deny, or self-protect. You grit your teeth, dig into your own worldview, and deny culpability. Because of how hard it is to admit guilt, for some of us, this is as far as we’ll ever get. But as much as it might feel strong in the moment, denial does little to repair a fractured relationship and, if anything, likely exacerbates it.
In order to apologize effectively, you need to develop the capacity to control your emotions and stay humble and focused on the experience of the other person, even when you might be seething inside or unsettled with guilt. It’s not easy to do, especially when emotions are hot. If you feel like emotion might get the best of you, you should take a break. You only get one chance to make an apology without coming across as excessive, so make it count.
If it’s still hard to calm your emotions, step outside your own experience and consider the other person’s perspective. Work to understand it, and in doing so, you might find it’s easier to ultimately deliver that heartfelt apology. Stay focused as much as possible on the reason you’re doing this hard work of apologizing in the first place: presumably because you care about the other person and the relationship.
Finally, apologizing also typically requires some commitment to personal change. If you’re truly apologetic about what you did, you’ll want to commit to improvement – and that may be outside of your comfort zone.
If you’ve failed to support your workers by providing them with adequate resources for them to do their jobs, take concrete steps toward rectifying the wrong. Keep it in the forefront of your mind. Make the new behavior part of your routine. Even commit to change publicly to encourage accountability.
In this way, apologizing can not only repair a relationship, but it can also become a powerful catalyst for your own personal growth.
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