It’s not whether you fight or argue—there are bound to be disagreements in any relationship, it’s how you argue that matters.
A single knock-down-drag-out fight in which each party has his or her worst self show up isn’t going to deep-six a relationship, but if that’s the pattern of how things don’t ever get worked out, that’s a different story.
John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—the real death knells to a relationship—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It goes without saying that any of these behaviors, alone or in combination, will also stop the possibility of a real discussion of a problem, much less its resolution, dead in its tracks.
Let’s start with what makes it possible for people to resolve conflicts and arguments.
Two people with secure attachment—who’ve felt loved, supported, and listened to in childhood and who had a fairly decent model of conflict resolution in their family of origin—are more than likely to sweat less than the rest of us when they argue.
They tend not to be into power plays and really understand the power of listening. The securely attached couple reminds us that equal investment in the success of the relationship is a huge leg up.
Then, there’s the mixed-bag couple—one more securely attached and the other with an insecure attachment style—but they may be able to stay on track because the secure partner is likely to be sensitive to his or her partner’s triggers and work at keeping the conversation civil and emotionally unloaded. This is not necessarily a cakewalk or a guarantee of success.
Let’s take a look at how insecurely attached people respond to disputes, especially when there is an imbalance of power.
It’s when you have two partners with an insecure style—especially one with a dismissive-avoidant style—that we step into what is often a warzone. People with a dismissive-avoidant style have a high opinion of themselves and a low opinion of others; while they don’t avoid relationships entirely, they need them to be on their terms and their terms only since they pride themselves on being self-reliant. (Yes, people high in narcissistic traits have this attachment style.)
The fearful-avoidant may also sometimes resort to them because while they may actually want to be in a relationship, “fearful” is the operative word; it’s the fear of being rejected or left that motivates these partners. They are unlikely to pick fights but also may retreat at the drop of a hat or defensively resort to stonewalling.
Aside from the “Four Horsemen”—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—I have come to see that there are common tactics used to maintain control of the discussion.
1. Focusing on the “Right Time”
Have you ever noticed that when you try to start a discussion, your partner shuts you down with the words, “Now isn’t the time to talk about that”? This isn’t to say that timing isn’t important—if your partner is in a bad mood, struggling with an issue, feeling exhausted or unwell, it probably isn’t a good time—but have you noticed that there’s never a good time from his or her point of view? If that’s so, you’ll probably also realize that, somehow, you end up apologizing as though you were remiss in bringing up this issue at this very moment. Recognize this behavior for what it is, especially if it always happens: a manipulation and an effort to control you.
2. Deriding the Repetition
If your partner’s first words are “Not this again” or something similar to it, you are being played. The point is that you are bringing the issue up again because the issue is important to you, but he or she swats it away with a deflection. The chances are good that the real opportunity for a discussion is shot, but you’re now on fertile ground for a fight. Mission accomplished by the controller.
3. The Sleight-of-Hand That’s the Blame-Shift
This is perhaps the most powerful ploy which is making you feel at fault for speaking up about the issue—whatever that issue may be—in the first place; shifting the blame effectively makes you the bad guy and your partner the poor, unwitting victim.
Blame-shifting, especially when combined with brinksmanship, is an effective tool for the controller and verbal abuser.
Verbal Abuse Need Not Involve a Loud Voice
Our cultural view of verbal abuse is vastly oversimplified—we bring to mind someone in a wifebeater tee shirt, brandishing a beer, yelling—and, at the same time, remarkably naïve when it comes to assessing the damage it does. It’s time that changed.
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