🤐 Listening Non-Defensively🤐

Understanding your partner requires the capacity to listen. Really listen.

Couples are advised to hear each other’s complaints without feeling attacked, and as great as this sounds, it’s often unrealistic.

When something you said (or didn’t say) hurts your partner’s feelings, there’s a strong impulse to interrupt with, “That wasn’t my intention. You’re misunderstanding me,” even before your partner is done talking.

Unfortunately, when the listener reacts to what the speaker is saying before the speaker gets the chance to fully explain themselves, both partners are left feeling misunderstood.

For most of us, listening without getting defensive is a hard skill to master. This is especially true when our partner is talking about a trigger of ours.

A trigger is an issue that is sensitive to our heart—typically something from our childhood or a previous relationship.

While the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” may have some truth, it doesn’t acknowledge the fact that trauma and regrettable incidents can leave us with scars.

This could be a result of a number of things. Maybe you’ve been repeatedly hurt or you experienced injustice in your relationships. These moments from our past can escalate interactions in the present.

It’s important for the speaker to complain without blame, it’s also vital for the listener to learn to self-soothe. If you’re unable to self-soothe, your emotional brain will overpower your rational brain.

Emotionally committed relationships respond better when each partner controls, confronts, soothes, and mobilizes himself/herself. This is because the more partners can regulate their own emotions, the more stable the relationship becomes.

Using a notepad to write down everything your partner says, which is especially helpful when you’re feeling defensive, also helps you remember what was said when you reflect back what you hear or it’s your turn to speak. Remind yourself that you’re listening to your partner because you care about their pain.

During tough conversations it’s helpful to focus on your affection and respect for your partner. Recall fond memories and remember the ways your partner has demonstrated their love. Think about how they support you and make you laugh. Consider how the joy you bring each other is more important than this conflict and working through this together will lead to more of those.

Slowing down and taking deep breaths is a great way to self-soothe. Focus on relaxing your body. Sometimes doodling helps. When you do this, don’t get lost in the activity or stop listening. Focus on understanding your partner.

Oftentimes when you feel flooded, it is not because you are reacting to your partner’s words or behavior. It’s because you are interpreting what they are saying and assigning personal meaning to their statements. Maybe their anger makes you feel like they’re going to leave you. Or maybe it makes you feel like you’re not being a good enough partner.

Don’t take your partner’s complaint personally.

This sounds impossible, especially if the complaint is about something you did or didn’t do. If you feel yourself getting defensive, seek to understand why. Ask yourself, Why am I getting defensive? What am I trying to protect? Your partner’s complaint is about their needs, not yours, so soothe your defensiveness so you can be there for them.

If your partner is saying something that is triggering, ask them to say it in a different way.

If you notice you’re having trouble focusing as the listener, ask your partner to take a break from the conversation. This is a proactive way to self-soothe and prevents your emotional brain from flipping its lid. You can say, I’m trying to listen but I’m starting to take things personally. Can we take a break and restart this in 20 minutes? Your feelings are important to me and I want to make sure I understand you. During this time, focus on the positives of your relationship and do something that is productive.

Once you’ve learned to self-soothe, it becomes a lot easier to ask your partner to help you calm down. If you find yourself struggling, tell your partner what’s on your mind.

Long lasting love requires courage.

The courage to be vulnerable and to listen non-defensively, even in the heat of conflict. Especially when we are hurt and angry.