Bait and switch occurs when the marriage expectations do not align with the reality of what one or both spouses experience after the wedding day.
Every marriage is a bait and switch. When we first get together and are in the romantic phase of our relationship, we show our best side and see the best side in our partner. That’s one of the most wonderful things about the first flush of romance: even the most annoying habits are bathed in the glow of the romantic lens. And being seen that way, where the best is assumed of us, brings out our best, furthering the virtuous cycle.
Fast forward a few years and the romantic phase is over. Instead of a virtuous cycle, where we assume the best, sometimes the opposite occurs: we interpret everything through a negative lens. How could this be? Isn’t this the same person we chose to marry, “for better or worse, in sickness and health, 'til death do us part?”
Neither side of this is the truth about our partner or the truth about our marriage. We didn’t marry an angel any more than we married a devil. We married someone who is “both/and” and it is this wholeness, I believe, that is necessary for our fullest development. If things were only wonderful we would have a great friend but not a marriage partner. If things were only difficult, we would have a miserable marriage. It is in the combination where the magic of marriage is to be found, and it’s important we all remember that the next time we complain about our partner acting differently than they used to.
The truth is, we don’t have a conscious clue whom we’re marrying when we pop the question or say “yes.” We see only an idealized version of the other person, just like they see an idealized version of us. It is only over time that the deeper levels of our partner (and ourselves) emerge, and it is then that people are apt to feel a “bait and switch.”
I believe these deeper, hidden layers are the deeper, hidden reasons we have chosen our partner, even though we weren’t conscious of it at the time. Yes, it can include many challenges, but when we are able to recognize the meanings that thread through these challenges and power struggles, then our marriage becomes an adventure to be lived rather than a problem to be solved.
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