Humans are incapable of unconditional love and support. We aren’t Labs or Golden Retrievers. But friendships often get tested, which can determine if they fulfill even the basic of relationships.
We need a close friend or two for our well-being. According to research, however, only about half of our friendships are reciprocated.
The other half might quietly be rooting against you while reveling in your misfortunes.
(I worked with a couple of these “friends” a few years ago, sadly one of which I thought was my “best” friend)
In the instances they honor your triumphs, it’s only if your success and happiness doesn’t surpass their own.
You don’t lose friends. You lose covert haters.
There are many signs to heed when it comes to friends who aren’t actual friends, such as:
You only hear from them when they want something.
Conversations are all about them.
You feel regret after spending time with them.
They’re not happy for you when good things happen.
They bring unwanted drama into your life.
They’re unreliable.
They won’t pick you up from the airport or help you move
The issue has less to do with the strength of the bond, and more with our individual strength of character and "friend picker." You’ll often see fringe acquaintances rise above all expectations during hard times, while lifetime 'besties' fall flat in providing emotional support … or say things like, "If you need anything, you know where to find me."
I avoid risky physical adventures so I’m not injured and laid up because few of my friends are kind enough to drop off Advil without wondering what’s in it for them. I’ve replaced these friends with ones I can rely on, like Instacart and Uber Eats.
“I’m sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.”
When my mom had her stroke and was in and out of the hospital, I didn’t see her often while she was hospitalized due to COVID protocols. “Close” friends knew full well of my struggle. But after a week, the check-ins ceased, as if sending a text was too much work. I realized that my friendships existed only in the presence of sarcasm and alcohol.
The truth is that many people don’t have enough nice-juice to sustain lengthy compassion or empathy. Some people are simply too distracted or facing their own trials to tap into much more.
Ways to find support
1- In an animal shelter. Consider adopting/rescuing a pet. The positive emotional and mental impact a pet (or four) can have is immeasurable. Even cats will slow-blink their devotion to you.
2- In a side-hustle. Jump into a passion project or side hustle. You aren’t defined by anyone's opinions or loyalties. You are the sum of your passions and related contributions. The world needs your gifts.
3- In the now. Stay rooted in the moment (aka, mindfulness), from one single instant to the next. Do not look to the past, and certainly don’t project into the future. There’s nothing in either place for you. Existing and new relationships are fostered in the now.
4- In beads of sweat. Before you can vibe and attract the right people, you’ve got to be your best self in body, mind, and spirit. Exercise will get you 33.33 percent closer to the goal. Whether it’s regular walks or hikes, strength training or classes at a gym, or taking a new rescue or foster pup to the dog park, get your social glisten on. How many of your friends pee a little because they're so happy to see you?
5-In local meetups and outings. Consider joining online social groups that organize regular events. The attendees are open and interested in making new friends. And no worries if you're shy. as these are some of the easiest people to be around. You can search almost any subject online and find an entire community dedicated to it. From pickleball and parkour to Pokémon, there is a tribe.
Be your own friend first, and you’ll set the bar for some reliable ones along the way.
I'm slow-blinking you in the meantime.
Comments