Too much privacy can border on secrecy.
Too little privacy and you’ll feel you’re suffocating in relational claustrophobia.
How can we be together without losing ourselves in
our relationship?
At first glance, it appears that privacy and secrecy are close cousins, so let’s begin by getting on the same page about what they mean.
According to Merriam Webster dictionary:
PRIVACY
- The state of being apart from company or observation.
SECRECY
– The act of keeping information hidden.
So, privacy is about being on your own, with your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
The fact that you cheated on your grade 12 exams or that you had a threesome in your 20s are things that you might choose to keep private.
“Why are those examples not secrets?” I hear you ask.
Because where privacy is about having a life that you don’t share with others, secrecy is about intentionally hiding information.
A telltale characteristic of a secret is that hiding it tends to be motivated by two feelings –
Shame, because we feel bad about what we have done.
Fear, because we’re afraid that revealing what we’ve donemay result in the loss of our spouse’s love, respect or loyalty.
So, if you’re feeling shame or fear about something you’re not sharing with your spouse, chances are good that the thing you are keeping to yourself goes beyond your private life and falls into the secret category.
For example, “I have a rainy day bank account that I’ve not told you about… ” would be a secret if you were hiding it for fear of upsetting your spouse.
By this definition, having cheated on your grade 12 exams might be a secret if you’re too ashamed to talk about it with your spouse.
By the same token, that threesome in your twenties might be a secret if you’re intentionally hiding it for fear of being rejected by your more sexually conservative spouse.
See the difference?
But what if your spouse wouldn’t care that you cheated on your Grade 12 exams? Is that still a secret?”
No, not in my books. It would have to be important information to your spouse for them to consider it a secret. How can you tell what information is important to them?
That’s easy… It’s important if they would be upset if they found out that you were hiding it!I
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