When we first start dating someone we like, theres mystery centered on them. Is this person right for me? What are they thinking? How do they feel about me? What are they looking for?
As things get closer, we find that some of the mysteries around a relationship have to do with us. Am I really interested? How do I feel? What do I want? Am I doing what’s best for me? Why am I freaking out right now?
The big question for many of us is why we start to pull away from people we like or situations that seem desirable. This avoidance can take the form of fear and anxiety, a loss of interest, boredom, excessive nitpicking, or a feeling that the “spark” has faded. We then take steps to create distance or even walk away from the relationship.
If you find yourself continually falling into this pattern, it may be time to realize the answer is-
You are avoiding intimacy.
1. Your attachment patterns are getting in the way.
♻️People who experienced an anxious attachment pattern as kids often go on to have a “preoccupied” pattern in their adult relationships. Preoccupied attachment is characterized by feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. People with a preoccupied attachment tend to feel unsure or nervous about how things are going with their partners. Because of these feelings, they frequently seek reassurance from their partner.
♻️An anxiously attached person may be seen as the “pursuer” in a relationship, always trying to go toward the other person. Even as they seem like they’re the ones who want more closeness, they tend to engage in behaviors that actually create a certain amount of emotional turmoil and distance. This is because they’re recreating the inconsistency of a childhood innwhich their parent was only intermittently available, sometimes giving them what they needed but other times being insensitive, emotionally hungry, or intrusive in ways that left the child
wanting.
♻️Dismissive attachment is associated with “distancing.” Dismissively attached individuals tend to be less emotionally available and may even seek out isolation. If someone feels like their partner’s needs are often overwhelming or an intrusion, they may struggle with this attachment pattern. They have learned to be pseudo-independent and meet their own needs. Because their needs and wants weren’t attuned to as kids. They are hesitant to rely on or open up to someone else. They may pull away from intimacy or even deny its importance. Their psychological defenses (once created to protect them as kids) now shield them from true closeness.
2. You may have a fear of intimacy.
❗️ Real love makes us feel vulnerable.
❗️ New love stirs up past hurts
❗️ With real joy comes real pain.
❗️ Love stirs up existential fears.
3. Your identity is being challenged.
Many of us don’t carry around a very high opinion of ourselves. We struggle to feel our own value or believe that anyone could truly care for us. This low opinion is often the work of a “critical inner voice” we all possess, which is like an enemy in our head that constantly tries to bring us down. This “voice” likes to make us feel unloveable and doubtful of anyone’s feelings toward us.
While love and connection are something most of us say we want, in order to let ourselves experience it, many of us have to be willing to look at the defenses we harbor that keep what we want at bay. This means being willing to challenge our cruel inner critic, explore what really scares us about intimacy, and look more closely at the patterns of attachment we experienced.
It can take a good dose of bravery to dive into the past when all we want to do is move forward. Our willingness to know the deeper elements that cause us to avoid intimacy could lead us to have a kind of closeness that redefines our feelings about love and, ultimately, about ourselves.
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