When you’re in the presence of a genuinely nice person, you know it. They seem easy to please, make you feel good about yourself, and always have a positive spin on any situation.
But people who just aren’t all that warm and fuzzy create tension and limit our ability to enjoy ourselves when we interact with them.
The fact of the matter is that some people just aren’t all that nice.
For example, not responding to an annoying email from someone who consistently bugs you is actually a good idea. It’s all too easy to deal harshly with people who aren’t nice and who behave in negative ways. But if you consider yourself a nice person, this route carries with it the risk, ironically, that you will be perceived negatively as well.
The dilemma of how to handle a not-so-nice person without seeming not nice yourself is a common one.
People who are nice might get nicer when they have nice experiences with other people. You’re bound to be friendlier to someone who smiles, shows sympathy, and goes along with the group. That grumpy team member, on the other hand, is someone you’ll avoid as much as possible should you happen to bump into each other on the street or get to your meeting before anyone else arrives. This will only antagonize that person more: Niceness can feed on itself but so can nastiness.
It seems quite possible, then, that niceness breeds niceness and in fact, there’s evidence that nice people have a sunnier way of viewing the world.
Now let’s get to the question of how you can improve your relationships with people who fall on the low end of the agreeableness continuum.
Follow these four tips and you’ll be able to face the not-so-nice people you know without becoming discouraged:
Don’t meet grumpiness with grumpiness. It’s easy to respond in kind and harder to respond with kindness, but if you take it down a notch, you might allow the other person’s inner niceness to shine through.
Ask whether you’re projecting your own negativity onto others. In other words, are you the one in a bad mood or who is inclined toward low agreeableness? If so, maybe you should give the other person a little more benefit of the doubt.
Don’t go overboard in your effort to cheer the person up. You probably won’t succeed and may actually cause the opposite reaction, or at least engender suspicion of what your real motives are.
Accept the inevitable if in fact it’s inevitable. You might not be able to change your adversary’s personality but you can change your reactions. If you, so to speak, “let it go,” you won’t allow yourself to be brought down or distressed by this person’s negative demeanor.
It would be wonderful if we could live in a world in which everyone was nice to each other all the time. However, there are those who seem to have low agreeableness burned into their personalities. Learning how to deal with them may not change them, but it can keep you focused on your own goals of personal fulfillment.
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