Do you feel trapped? You’re not sure whether to stay or leave.
Are you feeling trapped in your relationship? Are you asking yourself the question, “Should I leave? Or can I stay longer?”
Do you feel like you wrestle with the decision on a regular basis? Do you feel like staying when they’re sober (and you see the person you fell in love with in the first place)?
But then they start drinking or using, and you just want to leave.
You’re not sure what to do.
You love your partner. Of course you want to stay in this relationship. No one that I know of goes into a relationship with the intention for it to end.
Remember that no matter what you’re feeling, no matter what questions you’re asking yourself, there’s no judgement here.
You may be feeling angry, confused, or hopeless. You may be questioning how much more of this you can take.
Have you threatened to leave?
Maybe you’ve already threatened to leave, in hopes that it would scare your partner into sobriety. Please remember there’s never any judgment here. And I did the same thing. Let me share a loving truth with you: threatening to leave (or actually leaving) rarely, if ever, works for long term sobriety.
The idea of leaving breaks your heart. You may sob when you even think about it. If you have children, your heart will ache at the thought of breaking apart your family.
You cling to the good person you fell in love with. You’ve seen the best version of them. And you know it’s in there. It’s just masked by the ugly cloak of addiction.
On the days you lose hope that your partner will ever get sober for good, you may secretly entertain the idea of leaving. And that’s okay.
The thought of leaving may spur immediate questions like:
How will I support myself (and my kids)? Where will I go?
Will my kids blame me for breaking apart the family? What would my family, friends, and community think?
It’s not simple, is it?
In fact, it’s complicated and messy.
Here’s the loving truth:
You don’t need to make up your mind to leave or stay today.
Forgive yourself for staying and remember you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.
Surrender the decision and trust the process. You’ll know if it’s time to leave.
The reality of it is that you’re not trapped, even though it may feel like it. You’re just not ready to decide yet, and that’s just fine.
So what’s the secret to knowing whether to stay or go?
The secret is doing your own work first.
This disease has done some serious damage to you.
So, let’s focus on getting you repaired and recovered, because there’s no way to make a healthy decision, no matter what it may be, from a place of pain and trauma.
Feeling better, healing, repairing, recovering, all of that takes work. Just like it will take hard work from your partner for them to choose recovery, it takes really hard work from you too.
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