Arguing is an attempt to change another person's behavior when the other person's goals conflict with your goals.
Conflict in relationships is inevitable because people's goals are never in complete alignment. Trying to force people to support your goals while ignoring their own interests is a losing proposition. Such arguments tend to involve emotional outbursts, yelling, and sometimes violence, all of which are destructive to relationships.
Try these communication techniques one at a time to see how well it works. Positive change is possible, but only when we carefully observe and take notes on our interactions with others.
Be brief. Long-winded rants cause confusion and defensiveness. Focusing briefly on one concern at a time increases the likelihood of a positive outcome.
Be positive. Respectfully communicating what you would like rather than what you don't like gives them a clearer understanding of your expectations. (But make sure that your expectations are reasonable)
Be specific. Generalizations such as always, never, everyone, and no one are rarely true. People are better able to change specific behaviors than vague, generalized patterns.
Label your emotions. People are better able to understand your feelings when you can label them precisely and accurately.
Offer an understanding statement. Demonstrating that you understand another person makes them less defensive.
Accept partial responsibility. Acknowledging your role in a conflict demonstrates that you are not scapegoating the other person and you are willing to change.
Offer to help. Jumping in to clean, fix, and move objects, among other actions, without being asked is disrespectful. More productive is simply asking, "Is there some way that I can help?"
In any interaction we can control only at best our half of the conversation. Focus on what we want to say and on saying it in a way that others will hear and respect. This gives us control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
If we only react to perceived criticism, we are on the defensive, we give control of our emotions to the other person. Taking things personally when they’re not caused by you is called personalization.
An excellent way to avoid reactivity is to remember the Four Agreements-
1- Don't take anything personally
This agreement recognizes that each person perceives the world in a unique way and that when someone criticizes you, this indicates a disturbance in their mind, not necessarily a defect in you.
2-Don't make assumptions
It is best to ask others what they are thinking and feeling.
3-Be impeccable with your word
Be truthful and to say things that have a positive influence on yourself and others.
4- Always do your best
If you do your best, not only are you are more likely to achieve goals, but you will also avoid criticism from your internal Judge.
It is always useful to remember that you are not an all-powerful being who can control everything.
Troubles and conflict are part of the human condition. Change is possible. Practice makes progress (not perfection).
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