🏴‍☠️The Good and Dark Side of Manipulation🏴‍☠️

Manipulation exists everywhere. It is present in every advertisement, social media, and a natural part of our interactions with the environment. We manipulate natural goods to use them to our own benefit, scientists manipulate biological processes to develop lifesaving methods, and social manipulation can produce positive interactions with others.

The potential benefits of using manipulation as a form of persuasion can be endless. It can help open up others’ opinions, it can be a way to problem-solve common issues, and it can influence people to compromise when they cannot see eye to eye. Parents often use positive manipulation to influence behavioral outcomes in their children. Employers and those in positions of authority use similar tactics to incite change and motivate others toward their desired end results.

But what drives people to negatively manipulate others? On the surface, it’s an obvious attempt to get what they want—but psychologically, we know behaviors are motivated by deeper factors.

Manipulators are driven by a need for power and control over every situation. In some cases, this can arise from past trauma, in an attempt to predict what is coming their way and make themselves feel safer in the moment. In more devious circumstances, it is a method of controlling others for outcomes like personal leverage, a need to feel better than everyone else, a bid for attention or a desire to have an advantage.

Manipulators who crave power and advantage over others will often resort to scheming to attain what they want. They use emotions to domineer others and for attention-seeking purposes, particularly when they feel situations are outside of their sphere of influence. In fact, many chronic manipulators will avoid situations they don’t feel they have control over because they prefer predictable outcomes that line up with their own wants.

The sinister side to manipulation can also turn relationships into power struggles and encourage abusive environments. When manipulation turns into coercion, it becomes an approach designed to subtly force others into thoughts, choices, and actions against their will.

Here are some of the signs that it may be occurring in your relationships:

🕸You’re tormented by fear- fear of what they will say, fear of how they will act, and fear of what they will do in order to get what they want from you. Guilt becomes a normal feeling, and you notice it cropping up anytime you dare to express your opinion or choose a course of action different from what they desire.

🕸You question your own reality. Better known as gaslighting. This can occur when you suddenly find yourself questioning the way you remember an interaction, being told the reality of what you witnessed is not true, or even just being led to feel something was your fault when you’re not sure it really was. Psychological manipulators are masters at lying, making excuses, and changing facts in a situation to get you to question what really happened.

🕸You are blamed for everything. In unhealthy, manipulative relationships, one person typically refuses to take responsibility for any of their hurtful behaviors—or for any negative outcomes in the relationship. This can also take the form of blaming others for their own emotions rather than owning those feelings and exploring their origin.

🕸Every disagreement becomes an ultimatum or a generalization. “You’re always this way,” “you never listen to me,” “if you don’t do what I want, I’ll leave”—these are common tactics of negative manipulators, designed to produce feelings of guilt and fear in order to gain a desired outcome. Rather than viewing each situation uniquely, manipulators will often generalize them to confuse others, making it more challenging to pin down the behaviors that are occurring under the surface.

🕸You are degraded and minimized. You can do nothing right, and your every move is viewed under a microscope. These individuals spend a lot of time verbally belittling you, pointing out your flaws, and making sure their opinion is heard loudly and clearly over the ideas of others.