Strong relationships require good communication. Being a better communicator may sound intimidating, but it’s really being a good listener. It sounds simple.
We (mostly) hear our partner’s questions, comments, stories, complaints, and helpful suggestions. But how often do we truly listen?
Too often we’re only registering that they’re talking, waiting for our chance to jump in and say what we want.
Everyone wants to feel heard in their relationship, your partner included. Research shows that being a good listener is an important social skill that nurtures social connections.
Improving your listening skills starts with answering a basic question:
What is the simple key to improving communication with your partner?
The answer: Give a “C.R.A.P.O.”
Yes, you have to care about what the other person is saying. But C.R.A.P.O. is also a clever acronym to help you remember the five key behaviors for being a better listener:
1. Clarify – How often are you 100% perfectly clear about what your partner tells you? Probably not that often, or as often as you think. That’s not good enough. If your partner explains themselves, shares how they feel, or tells you something important, they deserve to be fully understood. No mistakes, fuzziness, or misinterpretations allowed.
To clarify, ask questions. Questions can help your partner process their own thoughts and feelings. We should ask things like:
“What did you mean by ___?”
“Am I correct that ___ is the key issue?”
“Can you give an example of ___?”
“When you mentioned ___, what exactly are you saying?”
2. Reflect Feelings – The “R” could also stand for “Really Important.”
Of the five keys, reflecting feelings may be the most essential.
To master empathy you need to realize that behind anything your partner communicates is an emotion they’re hoping we pick up on. Sometimes it’s super obvious (e.g., “I feel completely unappreciated around here.”). Other times it’s not clear at all, like when your partner just gives a loud sigh or says “I’m tired.”
3. Attending – Being a good listener isn’t just about what you say, but also how you look. You may spend more time worrying about finding the right things to say, you also need to attend to your nonverbal signals. Those involve anything you do that sends messages to your partner that go beyond the words you use. It’s everything you do to show your partner that you’re completely present and fully engaged. Doing so shows your partner that they’re important to us and helps us pay attention. Here are few ways to boost nonverbals:
Sit squarely facing your partner
Be open (e.g., no crossed arms)
Lean slightly toward them
Maintain eye contact (no staring at your phone or other screens)
Have a relaxed posture (not too stiff or rigid)
4. Paraphrasing – A big part of listening is making it clear to your partner that you “get it.”
To do that, you want to recap what your partner just said to you, but in your own words. This shouldn’t be a word-by-word thesaurus challenge, but should be a quick summary. That isn’t easy, but your efforts are worth it because paraphrasing shows you care and are fully invested.
5. Open-ended questions – When most people talk, you’re honestly not super interested. But your partner isn’t most people. Your partner deserves more from you. Show them that you give a C.R.A.P.O. by letting your partner have the spotlight. Not only that, do everything you can to let them talk and work through their thoughts and feelings.
The easiest way to do that is by asking open-ended questions that show your partner you want to hear more.
“What led you to that decision?”
“How do you see this situation resolving itself?”
“How did you arrive at this conclusion?”
“What do you think led to this happening?”
“What was their intention?”
“If I was in a similar circumstance, what would you suggest I do?”
Every relationship has flaws. But conflict’s impact on a relationship depends on whether partners feel understood.
When someone doesn't feel heard, conflict is harmful, but when we feel like our partner knows where we’re coming from, disharmony is less of a threat.
When you use your emotional intelligence by taking the time to show your partner that you truly care about what they’re saying, they feel heard.
Being a good listener is an important life skill both in and out of your relationship. But, when our partner “gets us” and we felt heard, communication improves and the relationship grows stronger.
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