All relationships have their ups and downs. What is important to remember is to be empathetic to one another so that you can maintain communication and solve problems. Otherwise, you create injuries that may last for the duration of your relationship. The old saying, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you,” is absolutely not true; the sting of words can fester for a lifetime.
Never threaten divorce. Don’t ever tell your partner you’re leaving unless you really mean it. The fear of abandonment is deep-rooted in each of us. When you tell your spouse, lover, or partner, that you are leaving, you threaten them at their very core. Their inner dialogue confronts the idea, possibly for the first time, that you could actually live without your partner. This realization tears at the very fabric of marriage and the principle that commitment to one another, no matter what, is constant and forever. The threat of divorce can seed distrust and feelings of rejection, undermining intimacy.
Never use the phrase “don’t start.” It is a common way to shut someone down and it’s condescending. It shares the limelight with phrases such as,“cool it” and “keep calm.” These phrases establish dominance and demean your partner. A better way to address escalating discussions is to simply ask, “What can I do to make things better?” This recognizes your partner as a grownup, both valued and validated.
Never say, “You’re just like your mother…” or father, sister, or brother. Like name-calling, this objectifies your partner and makes them feel helpless. An accusation is impossible to confront without being defensive. Objectifying your partner bruises their sense of self and prohibits any possible empathy or resolution.
Never say, “I don’t respect you anymore.” This is a real conversation stopper, and it is so hurtful to one’s inner core that it leaves your partner powerless. It is right up there with betraying a confidence shared in a moment of intimacy or weakness, and is felt as betrayal.
Never say, “Do it because I said so.” This phrase trivializes your partner and reduces them to a juvenile status. Phrases that make your loved one feel inferior are toxic to your relationship, as they close down any possibility of real problem-solving.
Never say, “You always do…" whatever. This is a good way to put your partner on the defensive and is a broad generalization. Accusations are hypercritical and indicate scorekeeping. Toxic language can only create distance between you and your partner.
Language that bruises causes tender feelings from the person you love the most and can create an atmosphere of hopelessness. When partners see no potential for change in their relationship, and when communication is shut down by hurtful phrases, they are at the beginning of the end.
On the other hand, when partners are involved in an emotional mediation, one phrase can turn helplessness to hope: "We cannot change the past, let’s both mutually try to do better in the future."
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