Do you have a former love that you can’t quite get over? Are you considering getting back together?
Many of us do. In a study of almost 800 young adults around age 20, about half reconciled with an ex after an initial breakup. And over half continued to have a sexual relationship with their ex after breaking up.
If you've recently gone through a breakup, it’s really quite common to think about reconciling with your ex. You may find yourself reminiscing about the blissful moments you shared. Missing them. Thinking about them. Struggling to find your identity without them. Even selectively forgetting why you broke up.
Much of this is because of the nature of breakups—they can shift your lifestyle, self-concept, or even your home in the blink of an eye. Even if you were the one who wanted to end the relationship, breakups can be emotionally heartbreaking and lead you to question your choices.
So, is it time to get back together and try again? Can you rekindle with an old flame? Is there really such a thing as “starting new” with the same person?
Although the answers to these more general questions are complex and depend on your specific situation, it’s still important to ask yourself some direct questions about your motivation for getting back together.
Here are a few to get you started:
1. Why did you break up?
There's a reason that your relationship didn't work the last time you dated—perhaps even many reasons! So, before getting back with an ex, it's important to honestly think about what led to your breakup. What caused the split itself? Why did your relationship ultimately not work? Try to identify exactly what led your relationship to end the last time you dated.
2. Has anything meaningful changed since your breakup?
If your next relationship with your ex is going to work, it'll only be because something has changed. One or both of you must have shifted and evolved with regard to the issues that broke you up in the first place (as in, your answers to question 1 above must have been addressed!).
Have you changed in ways that lead you to believe it will be different this time? Has your ex changed? Have you adequately addressed what didn’t work the last time you were together? If you haven't, think twice before you try to reconnect.
3. What’s motivating you to get back together?
Since breakups can be so jarring and disruptive to your life, it’s really important that you understand why you want to get back together.
What's your motivation to rekindle this relationship? Is it because you really love your ex? Because you think they're a great person and you want to make it work?
Or is it because you’re lonely? Bored? Feeling lost without them? Don’t know who you are or what to do with your life now that they’re gone?
If your desire to get back together is coming from an unhealthy place—like you're struggling to overcome early childhood attachment issues or don't think you could possibly find anyone else—it may be wise to pause before you try to get back together.
The truth is this: Like all relationships, navigating love interests—current and former—can be very tricky. If you’re hoping to start new with an ex, remember that it’s not really like starting a new relationship; you have an understanding and history with your ex that will influence your dynamic in the future.
It’s possible to develop a new relationship with an ex that’s functional and healthy—as long as something has shifted. If you do try to start new, start by being clear about what didn't work in the past and clearly shift your expectations, behavior, and lifestyle to address it.
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