An important key to understand when dealing with a narcissist is their unique capacity to twist reality, along with their belief that what they state to be true is absolute.
This makes communication with narcissists almost impossible. Arguing will only lead to a never-ending circle, reasoning will be completely ineffective, and emotional reactions only give narcissists more ammunition to use against you.
The depth of dysfunction that can occur when communicating with a narcissist has led some experts to recommend disengaging from them when at all possible. Disengaging takes away the fuel for the fire. It gives you a chance to breathe and regroup. But when this is not an option, victims of narcissists often find themselves forced into the role of limit-setting.
Understanding the need to set limits is imperative when interacting with a narcissist. Limits must be black and white, despite the very gray situations that can arise in life—any wiggle room in setting boundaries will only help narcissists cross that line more quickly. The most basic method of setting a limit is learning how to say "no" to a narcissist.
Given a narcissist's nature, hearing "no" without any opportunity to argue, persuade, or manipulate will be extremely frustrating—and likely result in their behavior escalating, at least for the short term. However, over time, with steady limit-setting devoid of any maneuvering room for them to manipulate the outcome, they may eventually move on to other victims.
Successful limit-setting with a narcissist begins with a critical understanding of your empowerment to say "no." You have permission to turn a narcissist down, to disagree with them, and to give them an answer of "no" without needing to justify it.
However, that doesn't mean it will be smooth sailing from that point on. There are some basic reactions you can expect to see when you start setting limits with a narcissist.
They will immediately ask for your rationale. Accepting "no" as a final answer is alien to the innate nature of a narcissist—they are essentially programmed to pursue their wants at the cost of everyone around them, so their initial reaction to being told "no" will likely be an intense campaign to find out why.
They will try to engage you in an argument. Pushing your buttons and employing personal insults is a surefire way for a narcissist to try to distract you from setting a limit with them. When the verbal abuse starts to fly, you can rest assured they are trying to move you from your stance—and dumping some of their anger on you in the process.
They will alter reality. You may find yourself faced with completely absurd "evidence" from narcissists as to why "no" is unfair. Narcissists are particularly talented at ignoring reality and making statements that are blatantly false—but they make them with such bravado it will cause you to question what you know is real. This method, called gaslighting is a very palpable way narcissists control the narrative around them.
They will slander you to others. When a narcissist cannot get what they want, demeaning you to others is a defense mechanism to falsely build up their self image. It also helps them rationalize in their own minds, why you're telling them "no" in the first place—if there is something inherently wrong with you, then your answer of "no" can be considered illogical and unfair.
They will try to woo you. If the personal attacks fail to budge you, a narcissist often turns on the charm. Once the dust from hearing "no" settles, they may resort to pseudo-agreeing with you—but only with the hope that giving up a small battle will make you more likely to say "yes" the next time. It's all about power and control with a narcissist, so if emotional damage doesn't make you rethink your answer, they will likely consider agreeableness an option. After all—image is incredibly important to a narcissist, and they ultimately want to be viewed as the victim when you set a limit with them.
Although the immediate consequences of telling a narcissist "no" may seem too challenging, limit-setting is the only way to survive these interactions. With a lot of practice and refusing to engage in battle, regardless of how much they up the ante, you will eventually be rewarded with less interaction. However—this is a marathon, not a sprint. Narcissists will rarely give up completely, but you can, at some point, wear down their defenses little by little.
In the end, try to remember the overarching truth that you are allowed to have your own opinions and make your own decisions, even if those disagree with the narcissist in your life. You have a basic human right to think freely—and you can (and should!) exercise that right, even in situations that may seem nearly hopeless. It's time to take back your personal power.
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