Have you ever wondered what your partner really thinks of you? Most of us have. We’d like to know how they see us on different dimensions:
Physical attractiveness: Do they think we’re a 9? Or a 6? That we’re better looking than our sister? Do they like our body? Do they really think that shirt looks fantastic on us, or are they just being nice?
Personality: Do they see you as easy to get along with? Difficult? Overly emotional, or cold? Or think you’re lazy, or too driven? Open to new experiences, or stuck in your ways?
Abilities: Do they see you as successful, talented, or capable? Do they think they’re smarter than you? Do they think you’re amazing?
Desirability as a partner: Do they see you as a great person to spend their life with, or a good enough partner to settle for? Do you make them feel cared for? Would they say you’re good in bed?
Feelings toward you: Are they proud of you? A bit embarrassed by you? Does your laugh annoy them? Do they love your sense of hunor? Do they feel disappointment or resentment toward you?
As much as we might want to know these things, we can never be sure what our partners think and feel—even if they tell us. How can we be confident that they’re being truthful, especially when we know that we’re not always 100% honest with them? Even asking them to “be honest” doesn’t guarantee they will be.
Our brain often tries to fill in the gaps about others’ thoughts through mind reading. We know we can’t literally read minds, of course, but we behave as if we can. We invent stories about what our partner thinks, and even get into arguments with them based on our assumptions.
But in reality, we’re quite bad at divining what our partner is thinking. More often than not, we’re being misled by our beliefs about ourselves or by our projected fears.
Sometimes our partner’s behavior can give us clues about what they think of us. If they constantly talk down to us, maybe they think we’re not as intelligent as they are. Or maybe they tell us everything’s fine but then act resentful toward us. These outward signs may tell us more than what our partner says with words.
Then again, actions and beliefs can be dissonant. We can feel one way and act another. Maybe our partner puts on a happy face but secretly is having doubts about the relationship. Or perhaps they’re crazy about us but have a hard time expressing it. Unfortunately, behavior is an imperfect indicator of thoughts and feelings.
In the end, we can never be certain of what our partner thinks about us. The best we can do is to make peace with having incomplete knowledge. Perhaps it’s better not knowing everything they think of us—would you want your partner to know everything you think of them?
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