Everyone keeps secrets. They sit with us, like stones in our pockets. Some weigh us down. Others just exist. All are present.
But all secrets, big and small, have a profound effect on you and your relationship- whether you notice it or not.
Secrets in relationships are common. But research suggests they can negatively affect mental and even physical health.
Secrets become a problem because our minds tend to wander toward the secrets weâre keeping, which can lead to a reduced sense of well-being. Keeping secrets from a partner makes him or her less trustful of the secret-keeper, which creates a cycle that ultimately damages the relationship.
Researchers found that âimportant unhappyâ secrets had negative effects on health and tended to cause more shame and guilt than revealing them did.
Most people, however, are honest because of one thing: fear.
These are the most common types of secrets that people keep:
đ€«Hurt another person (emotionally or physically).
đ€«Illegal drug use, or abuse of a legal drug
đ€«Habit or addiction (not involving drugs)
đ€«Theft
đ€«Something illegal (other than drugs or theft).
đ€«Physical self harm
đ€«Abortion
đ€«A lie.
đ€«A violation of someoneâs trust
đ€«Romantic desire
đ€«Romantic discontent
đ€«Emotional inïŹdelity
đ€« sexual inïŹdelity.
đ€«In a relationship with someone who is cheating on someone else to be with you.
đ€«Social discontent (unhappy with a friend, or unhappy with current social life)
đ€«Mental health struggles.
đ€«Inappropriate behavior at work or school (or lying to get hired or accepted).
đ€«Poor performance at work or school.
đ€«A planned marriage proposal.
đ€« A planned surprise for someone (other than a marriage proposal).
đ€«A hidden relationship.
đ€«A family secret.
đ€«Pregnancy
đ€«Sexual orientation or Gender Identity
đ€«Sexual behavior
đ€« Hidden belief (political, religious, views about social groups, prejudices).
đ€«Finances (spending, amount of money you have).
While all secrets share an element of intention, that intention need not apply to all situations or people. Some secrets you keep entirely to yourself, and others youâve shared with at least one person but still keep from others. And so, you could have many secrets, but very few that you keep entirely to yourself.
When we keep secrets or are being deceptive because we think weâll be rejected by people, it increases the bodyâs insulin and cortisol, can create heart palpitations and affect the brain.
These effects depend heavily upon the individual. If lying to a partner or hiding something damaging doesnât make a person anxious, theyâre not going to experience those signs of physiological stress.
Psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists, for example, wonât be bothered in the slightest by lying to others or hiding things. However, if youâre in a relationship with a narcissist and have a secret, you might want to keep it to yourself.
Revealing secrets to narcissists only gives them more ammunition to degrade you, which really goes back to the quality of a relationship.
Even if youâre never caught in a lie and donât feel anxious about the secrets youâre keeping from your partner, relationships can suffer slow and subtle negative effects due to secrets and lying. The mind-wandering aspect of secret-keeping undeniably saps attention from your primary relationship.
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