😕When “I’m Sorry” Just Isn’t Enough😕

All close relationships have difficult moments, times when partners feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated with one another. But some wounds are so deep they threaten the  heart of the relationship.

At these times, the wounded partner’s experience can typically be summarized as either: “When I needed you most, you weren’t there for me,” or, “I trusted you and you betrayed me.”

Either way, the spoken or implied reaction is, “I will never trust you and risk being so hurt and disappointed again.”

For a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in limbo, not knowing what more to do.

If you have ever been that remorseful partner, unable to regain your partner’s trust, chances are you have experienced your own emotional pain. You may have felt hurt your partner wouldn’t give you another chance, sad your thoughtless behavior had such consequences, ashamed of what you did, scared you would never repair your relationship, or angry your partner was unwilling to move on.

Chances are, you felt confused and stuck. What more did your partner want from you? What more could you do?

What you may not have understood is that you—your presence, comfort, and understanding—were the key to your partner’s recovery.

Your partner felt alone and abandoned at a vulnerable time. The antidote to this painful memory is to experience your presence whenever they share their pain, for as long as it takes to believe they can count on you again.

Whether partners share pain for the first time or for the hundredth, they are asking, “Do you really care how I feel? Are you really there for me now?” If the answer is, “Yes, I’m here and I care, and I’ll be here for as long as it takes,” your relationship has taken at least a small step forward.

If you grow impatient, if you get angry or defensive or hopeless your  partner may again feel dismissed or alone at a time of need. In other words, you will have replayed and reinforced the original hurt.