When does enough become enough in a relationship so that a spouse files for divorce decades into a marriage?
How do so many other couples who get divorced after many years together, repeatedly tolerate or ignore whatever disagreements arise between them before ending up at a place where they just couldn’t do it any longer. When did enough become enough for them?
When did the paper cut grow into a wound too big for Band-Aids?
Sometimes a marriage can buzz along, even if one or both spouses are unhappy. It’s easy to understand the breakup of a relationship in the face of a big betrayal like infidelity.
However, betrayal can be experienced when upsetting and hurtful behaviors are continually repeated despite promises, claims, and assurances that they will stop. Over time, the chronic anger and constant disappointment build up so that each new instance feels like a betrayal since the partner isn’t doing what was promised. That destroys credibility and, ultimately, trust.
It could only take one act to shift a partner from resignation to desperation, igniting the belief that the time has come to get out.
So, “What shifted?" "What made you decide now to pull the plug?”
Almost everyone replies that they lost respect for their partner. Once mistrust enters a relationship, issues that once were difficult but not deal-breakers suddenly take on a new life.
It is helpful to recognize signs that a relationship may be heading in that direction, even before you realize it. You and your partner may, like many couples, have an ongoing fight about an issue.
Suddenly, the arguing may stop. The absence of arguing often feels like a good thing, progress: You may think you finally got through to your partner, who now sees things from your point of view.
The reality, however, may be the exact opposite. The spouses haven't seen the light—they've given up, stopped trying to make things good. They have likely accepted that things will never change and have moved into a mindset of hopelessness. The desire to divorce may lie dormant, but all that is needed is a new job, meeting a new person—to trigger taking the final step.
If you find yourself feeling unhappy in your long-standing relationship or fantasizing about leaving your long-time partner, ask yourself whether to seek marital counseling before things become unfixable.
Sometimes divorce is the answer. Other times, a marriage is salvageable.
It's often possible to sort things out so you don’t reach the point of no return.
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