Do you find yourself suffering the consequences of a loved one’s alcohol problem? It can be hard to hear that you need to change yourself when a loved one is living with alcoholism. After all, it’s their problem, isn’t it? Unfortunately, you can only change yourself, and the only way you can interrupt and change the current course of your interactions with people with substance abuse disorders is to change your reactions.
Here are 10 things that you can stop doing that may help relieve the pressure.
1- BLAMING YOURSELF
It’s typical for alcoholics to try to blame their drinking on circumstances on others around them, including those who are closest to them. It’s common to hear an alcoholic say, “The only reason I drink is because you…”
Don’t buy into it. They are going to drink no matter what you do or say. It’s not your fault.
2-TAKING IT PERSONALLY
When alcoholics promise they will never drink again, but a short time later they are back to drinking as much as always, it is easy for family members to take the broken promises and lies personally. You may tend to think, “If she really loves me, she wouldn’t lie to me.”
3-TRYING TO CONTROL IT
Many family members of alcoholics naturally try everything the can think of to get their loved one to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this usually results in leaving the alcoholic’s family members feeling lonely and frustrated.
When an alcoholic or drug abuser reaches a crisis point, sometimes that’s the time the person finally admits he has a problem and begins to reach out for help. But if friends or family members rush in and “rescue” the person from the crisis situation, it can delay the decision to get help.
4- TRYING TO CURE IT
Make no mistake about it, alcoholism, or alcohol dependence, is a primary, chronic, and progressive disease that sometimes can be fatal. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That’s the alcoholic’s responsibility, not yours.
Alcoholics usually go through a few stages before they are ready to make a change. Until an alcoholic begins to contemplate quitting, any actions you take to “help” her quit will often be met with resistance.
5-COVERING IT UP
Alcoholics typically do not want anyone to know the level of their alcohol consumption.
6- ACCEPTING UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR
Accepting unacceptable behavior usually begins with some small incident that family members brush off with, “They just had too much to drink.” But the next time, the behavior may get a little worse and then even worse. You slowly begin to accept more and more unacceptable behavior. Before you realize it, you can find yourself in a full-blown abusive relationship.
Abuse is never acceptable. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior in your life. Do not tolerate any hurtful or negative comments.
7-HAVING UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
One problem of dealing with an alcoholic is that what might seem like a reasonable expectation in some circumstances, might be totally unreasonable with an addict. Is it reasonable to expect someone to be honest with you when the person is incapable of even being honest with himself or herself?
8- LIVING IN THE PAST
The key to dealing with alcoholism in the family is staying focused on the situation as it exists today. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn’t reach a certain level and remain there for very long; it continues to get worse until the alcoholic seeks help. You can’t allow the disappointments and mistakes of the past to affect your choices today because circumstances have probably changed.
9-ENABLING
Often, well-meaning loved ones, in trying to “help,” will actually do something that enables alcoholics to continue along their destructive paths.
What happens when you enable an alcoholic? The exact answer depends on the specific situation, but what usually happens is that:
The alcoholic never feels the pain
It takes the focus off of the alcoholic’s behavior
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
There may be very little you can do to help the alcoholic until he or she is ready to get help, but you can stop letting someone’s drinking problem dominate your thoughts and your life. It’s okay to make choices that are good for your own physical and mental health.
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