Even the most stable relationships have points of tension. It doesn’t matter if you had a perfect fairytale beginning, you’ll eventually run into conflict with your partner— that’s just part of being human.
Constantly picking fights with your partner could be due to a deeper issue, and avoiding it isn’t going to help either of you become better as a team.
You’ve seen this dynamic play out in other couples: the one partner complains about little things, or the partner who’s picking fights for no reason.
But it can be tough to spot the signs when your own relationship is in a communication rut. Often when we don't know how to say hard things, we will let little things get big.
This allows us to have the hurt or angry feelings we’ve been avoiding without having to say the difficult or scary things.
Cue the explosive fight over something small, like forgetting to put your socks in the laundry hamper or text your partner back about weekend plans.
That’s not to say that arguing is a bad thing — it’s normal! Conflict can be a powerful and important component to growth, but the way you argue is important.
Disagreements don’t have to be arguments, they can be a positive tool in your relationship, as long as there’s always the goal that you and your partner are working together.
The idea is to commit to not arguing, but instead, to tackle any issue as a team. It's all about listening with the desire to understand the issue and... knowing that every problem has a solution.
Partnerships are strongest when two people who don’t have everything in common learn to work through their conflicts calmly.
The relationships that work best are when you and your partner learn from each other. These important differences also can create heated discussions and disagreements. Usually, loving and mature couples can manage without getting dangerous.
But if you constantly find yourself fighting with no real resolution, it may be time to dig a little deeper to understand what might be bothering you. That means it’s time to have a difficult conversation.
Pointless fighting often signals an underlying issue within a relationship that neither partner wants to talk about.
This can be about all sorts of things: a desire for attention, jealousy or trust issues, feeling lonely, or not feeling understood. Even your own history of trauma or relationship issues can come into play. Maybe you don’t trust your partner because you’ve been burned by someone else in the past, so you criticize the little things they do rather than bring up your fears directly.
The problem with this kind of conflict is that it’s bound to lead to hurt feelings. Conflict that includes attacking each other's character and seeking to hurt the other person is detrimental to the relationship.
If your partner is constantly picking fights (or if you’re the one prompting the arguments), you know all too well that this isn’t a fun dynamic. It’s hard to enjoy spending time together when there’s stress or frustration that’s been pushed aside.
Healthy conflict comes from a desire to make the relationship better. When arguing, both partners are engaging in a debate and the end goal is to find a way for both of you to be heard, understood, and to learn.
If this isn’t the case, take a step back and re-examine your feelings when you aren’t in the heat of the moment. Even when something regrettable is done or said in a conflict, it is really important to take ownership and clean it up.
Often the worst thing a couple can do is argue, get mad, then not seek to clean it up with each other later and act like it never happened. It did, and while facing it can feel initially awkward, it will do your relationship a huge favor.
The only way out of this toxic loop is to find a new way to argue more productively. If you are tired, hungry, or so mad you can't think straight, that is not the time to confront an issue with your partner. You are far more likely to say something you don't mean and cause more harm.
It can help to write out your thoughts. Think through the following questions:
What do I want from this conversation?
Am I hoping my partner changes their behavior?
Am I simply hoping to feel heard?
If you can't tell them what you need, you can't expect them to read your mind. Having a clear objective is the difference between a pointless fight and a productive one.
First of all, know what you’re arguing about. Are you bickering about who did what and keeping tabs, or are you arguing about a process that you both legitimately disagree about?
When starting the conversation, frame your words in terms of how you feel rather than what you perceive as your partner’s flaws. Avoid questions that start with ‘why’ because it immediately puts someone in a position to defend themselves. Talk about how you feel and how a behavior or comment has affected you, then ask for what you need.
Doing this when you’re calm makes you more approachable and increases your chances of getting what you actually want from your partner. You don’t want to put them on the defensive.
Even if you don’t come to a perfect resolution this time, you’re laying the groundwork for more effective communication moving forward.
If this still isn’t working, it might be worth seeing a relationship counselor to help the two of you get an objective perspective on why your dynamic has become toxic, and to learn some healthier conflict resolution skills.
Even if your fights are really toxic right now, you’re doing the right thing simply by exploring and recognizing that fact. This is the beginning of changing your relationship for the better and avoiding petty fights — for the most part, at least. You may never agree on the next TV show to watch, but at least you can talk about the big stuff from a foundation of trust and respect.
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