There are a number of reasons that marriages of quiet desperation persist.
‼️Finances: Perhaps there isn’t enough money to support two households or to maintain a lifestyle that one or both spouses have come to value. Perhaps there are kids in college, so both parents hesitate to make any move that would threaten family financial stability. Their fear of being poor by divorce or living with less overshadows their marital distress.
‼️Children: It isn’t only the fear of depriving minor children of an intact two-parent family that keeps some unhappy couples together, but also the realization that adult children can have a variety of feelings about a parental divorce as well. Sometimes this can mean an adult child taking sides or blocks access to grandchildren. It can mean an end to full family gatherings, holidays, and vacations. Many would rather weather the loneliness of an unhappy marriage than risk being cast out of the family altogether.
‼️Religious beliefs and shame: People who are devoutly religious and whose faith forbids divorce or regards it, as a shameful choice, are not likely to see parting as a option. Even among some atheists or agnostics, the shame of failure, of admitting publicly that one is failing at marriage, can keep people stuck in relationships where love and connection have ceased to exist.
‼️Fear: There are so many fears that surface when a couple breaks up. There is fear of the unknown: surviving alone or as a single parent, the risk that one will grow old alone, that love will never happen again. There can also be fear in the process of parting and the possible escalation of hostilities and even violence.
‼️Guilt: The prospect of hurting another or abandoning a long-time partner during a time of need seems wrong. Putting one’s children—whether minor or adult—through the pain of a family breakup can feel even worse.
‼️External events: Leaving an unhappy relationship might be postponed indefinitely during challenging times. For example, a recent study of divorce patterns during the pandemic found that there was a dip in divorce cases in 2020 as people hunkered down together in their homes.
‼️Habit: Staying put is a habit, part of one’s routine. Any move to leave or try to improve the marriage gets lost in vague fantasies. Or there may be shared hopelessness for any meaningful change and resignation to accept what is. And so the couple takes life day by day, day after day as time flies by.
‼️Intermittent joy: Not all troubled relationships offer misery. There may be some good times, moments of joy and connection that feel so good that it seems foolish to throw all that away.
‼️Hope that things will get better. While some relationships look largely hopeless, some people stay while hoping that things can change and that happiness is possible.
Whatever the glue that holds a marriage of quiet desperation together, there are coping strategies that enable people to live with a level of pain that would feel unacceptable to others.
Some people protect themselves with detachment. They stop caring or don't expect anything from their partner. They become like distant roommates with parallel lives. Others carry on through distraction—work, kids, hobbies, and interests that fill in the emotional gaps left by the dearth of love and affection in the marriage.
However, some marriages of quiet desperation do have breaking points.
It could be one betrayal too many. Or when verbal and emotional abuse becomes physical. Maybe its a life transition like retirement when the couple is suddenly spending more time together and enjoying it even less. Perhaps it is the realization, after the loss of a family member or friend, that life is so very short and not wanting to waste another moment being unhappy. Or the breaking point may be a matter of life and death. Some studies show, in fact, that staying in a stressful, unhappy marriage can be detrimental to one’s health.
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