While they were married, he worked a bazillion hours, rarely helped around the house, barely made time for the kids and spent any free time or money doing whatever the eff he wanted.
She was overwhelmed, angry, felt abandoned and worried – and the kids felt abandoned by him, too.
That is the mom’s version of the story.
Every story has at least two sides.
Here is the dad’s version:
While they were married they both assumed gender-typical roles:
He worked and earned most of the money. She took on most of the house and child duties.
Even if she worked and earned — even a lot — she still was the lead when it came to parenting.
In fact, he says she was the boss at home — and research finds time and again that despite all the successes in achieving gender equality in the public sphere, women do more work at home. She insisted that she knew best when it came to raising kids, and he just followed her lead. After all, parenting is hard, it is overwhelming and it is hard to know what to do most of the time.
He got that she did most of the work at home, but she insisted on doing a lot of parenting, all the time, and had to have things her way. She yelled and criticized, so he just naturally became smaller as a parent. He didn’t even realize it, he just stepped back.
So, as his effort to contribute to the family, the dad worked a lot more. He didn’t feel helpful or useful or appreciated at home, but at work or with his friends he felt more comfortable.
Here is where these stories converge:
When they split up, he changed. Now,
thanks to a court- or separation-agreement order, he spends fixed times with the kids. She gets a break. He gets a break. The kids see their dad regularly and often.
It’s easier to be an involved, confident dad if you’re not constantly criticized.
Fact: Women are groomed since birth to be mothers, given dolls to play with, urged to prioritize family over career, and typically men are not.
While parenting skills and the ability to bond with a child are gender-neutral, our culture tells women they are the better parent, and tells men they are the inferior parent. Golden uterus complexes develop, and men can follow along.
Perhaps you feel not up to parenting after the trauma of divorce or a breakup. Maybe you did not have a strong father figure as a child. Maybe emotional, financial or mental health issues left you unsure of yourself as a father.
You join many men in this challenge. Seek out a support group. Online communities can be helpful, as can counseling.
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