Basically, the interactions we have with our fathers as young girls are our earliest opportunity to practice communication with the opposite sex. āItās called pre-sexual programming.
As infants, we develop an unconscious schema of what love is, based on the way we are treated by our primary caregivers. Then, as adults, weāre attracted to people who stimulate us in the same way.
Itās very common for a woman to say, āOh, heās too niceā about a potential partner, which is a sign that they had an unavailable father, either emotionally or physically.ā
And while the thought of swiping right on a guy whoās the spitting image of your dad might make you shudder, sexual imprinting ā where women actively, if subconsciously, seek out a mate resembling their father ā is surprisingly common.
While I canāt say that any of my boyfriends have physically resembled my dad ā I can recognize that Iām drawn to guys who are similar to him, often in surprising ways.
Growing up, I idolized my father, but his alcoholism and my parentsā messy marriage made me determined not to end up with anyone remotely like him. And yet every time Iāve fallen for a guy who on paper seems completely different, certain characteristics ā whether itās an addictive personality or similarly controlling attitude ā eventually come to light.
At times, it feels like Iām doomed to date men like my dad, and the patterns of behavior Iāve learnt from my parents are a vicious cycle that canāt be broken.
This is your psyche returning to the scene of the crime. Youāre picking somebody who has the same issues [as your father] so that you can fix it and do a better job this time around.
In other words, despite recognizing that your relationship with your father is unhealthy or even abusive, that doesnāt stop people craving whatās familiar. You might think that youāre dating the extreme opposite to your father, and yet the unconscious mind finds a way of slipping back to whatās comfortable.
I had a client who thought she was attracted to wealthy men as a way of rebelling against her father, who had been very poor. But it turned out these men were also dishonest and distant, just as her father had been. How much money they had in their bank accounts was just a distraction.
Recent studies have shown that a daughter who has a secure, supportive, communicative relationship with her father is the most likely to create and maintain emotionally fulfilling relationships with men in later life.
** But even having a great relationship with your dad doesnāt always make dating easy. One female client, 35, was single for most of her twenties because she found it hard to meet a man who could measure up to her father. āTo me, my dad is basically the best man there is. Weāre very close, but he also has what I consider sterling attributes: heās reliable, solid, dependable, kind and funny. As a builder, heās practical enough to change a fuse with his eyes shut, but also smart enough to know how to invest money, talk world politics and spark conversation with anyone, irrespective of class. What I find striking is the disparity between the traits and actions that come so naturally to my dad, versus what the generation of guys Iām dating seem completely unable to do, such as arranging a date without ghosting/flaking, planning ahead or just being able to straight-talk about things. My dad is the model that I wish other guys would live up to.
But if the bond you have with your father is your blueprint for all future relationships, what does it mean if you grew up without knowing your dad?
Another female client, 27, didnāt meet her father until she was 16. āAs a teenager, I always defended the fact that I didnāt have a dad and insisted it didnāt matter. But Iām realising now that Iāve always gone for boyfriends who are unavailable in some way ā guys whoāve just got out of long-term relationships or are based in other countries. If someone really likes me, I freak out, because I feel too vulnerable. I donāt have any male friends and Iām sure thatās because I have no template for what a non-sexual dynamic with a man would be like.ā Women who havenāt had a male role model tend to be attracted to older men, not just because they want someone to fulfil that stable, powerful, father-figure role, but also because, as young girls, they might have imprinted on a grandfather, who was filling in as their primary male caregiver.
So what can you do if you feel youāre stuck in a rut of dating people just like your parents?
Being attracted to someone similar to your dad (or your mom) isnāt necessarily a bad thing, as long as your partner shares their best qualities.
āIdeally, your partner will be an improved, evolved version of your mother or father.ā
Write a list of all the attributes your exes have in common with your dominant parent. āJust recognising these triggers and becoming aware of what patterns of behaviour youāre at risk of falling into can help break negative cycles of behaviour.ā
Counseling can help you to understand the motivations behind your relationship choices. By talking honestly about these impulses and where they come from, youāll understand more about yourself and connect with your partner.
Personally, I find it helpful to remind myself that however similar he sometimes seems (and however many dad jokes he tells), my partner is not my father and, ultimately, I am responsible for creating a new story ā one thatās hopefully nothing like my parents.
Itās hard to mentally divorce yourself from your parents, But itās only by separating yourself from them, and seeing your relationship as your new family, with its own traditions and rituals, that women can break free from the Electra complex and fully move on.
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