👨‍👧Why We Date Men Just Like Our Dads👨‍👧

Basically, the interactions we have with our fathers as young girls are our earliest opportunity to practice communication with the opposite sex. ‘It’s called pre-sexual programming.

As infants, we develop an unconscious schema of what love is, based on the way we are treated by our primary caregivers. Then, as adults, we’re attracted to people who stimulate us in the same way.

It’s very common for a woman to say, “Oh, he’s too nice” about a potential partner, which is a sign that they had an unavailable father, either emotionally or physically.’

And while the thought of swiping right on a guy who’s the spitting image of your dad might make you shudder, sexual imprinting – where women actively, if subconsciously, seek out a mate resembling their father – is surprisingly common.

While I can’t say that any of my boyfriends have physically resembled my dad – I can recognize that I’m drawn to guys who are similar to him, often in surprising ways.

Growing up, I idolized my father, but his alcoholism and my parents’ messy marriage made me determined not to end up with anyone remotely like him. And yet every time I’ve fallen for a guy who on paper seems completely different, certain characteristics – whether it’s an addictive personality or similarly controlling attitude – eventually come to light.

At times, it feels like I’m doomed to date men like my dad, and the patterns of behavior I’ve learnt from my parents are a vicious cycle that can’t be broken.

This is your psyche returning to the scene of the crime.  You’re picking somebody who has the same issues [as your father] so that you can fix it and do a better job this time around.

In other words, despite recognizing that your relationship with your father is unhealthy or even abusive, that doesn’t stop people craving what’s familiar. You might think that you’re dating the extreme opposite to your father, and yet the unconscious mind finds a way of slipping back to what’s comfortable.

I had a client who thought she was attracted to wealthy men as a way of rebelling against her father, who had been very poor. But it turned out these men were also dishonest and distant, just as her father had been. How much money they had in their bank accounts was just a distraction.

Recent studies have shown that a daughter who has a secure, supportive, communicative relationship with her father is the most likely to create and maintain emotionally fulfilling relationships with men in later life.

** But even having a great relationship with your dad doesn’t always make dating easy.  One female client, 35, was single for most of her twenties because she found it hard to meet a man who could measure up to her father. ‘To me, my dad is basically the best man there is. We’re very close, but he also has what I consider sterling attributes: he’s reliable, solid, dependable, kind and funny. As a builder, he’s practical enough to change a fuse with his eyes shut, but also smart enough to know how to invest money, talk world politics and spark conversation with anyone, irrespective of class. What I find striking is the disparity between the traits and actions that come so naturally to my dad, versus what the generation of guys I’m dating seem completely unable to do, such as arranging a date without ghosting/flaking, planning ahead or just being able to straight-talk about things. My dad is the model that I wish other guys would live up to.

But if the bond you have with your father is your blueprint for all future relationships, what does it mean if you grew up without knowing your dad?

Another female client,  27, didn’t meet her father until she was 16. ‘As a teenager, I always defended the fact that I didn’t have a dad and insisted it didn’t matter. But I’m realising now that I’ve always gone for boyfriends who are unavailable in some way – guys who’ve just got out of long-term relationships or are based in other countries. If someone really likes me, I freak out, because I feel too vulnerable. I don’t have any male friends and I’m sure that’s because I have no template for what a non-sexual dynamic with a man would be like.’ Women who haven’t had a male role model tend to be attracted to older men, not just because they want someone to fulfil that stable, powerful, father-figure role, but also because, as young girls, they might have imprinted on a grandfather, who was filling in as their primary male caregiver.

So what can you do if you feel you’re stuck in a rut of dating people just like your parents?

Being attracted to someone similar to your dad (or your mom) isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as long as your partner shares their best qualities.

“Ideally, your partner will be an improved, evolved version of your mother or father.’

Write a list of all the attributes your exes have in common with your dominant parent. ‘Just recognising these triggers and becoming aware of what patterns of behaviour you’re at risk of falling into can help break negative cycles of behaviour.’

Counseling can help you to understand the motivations behind your relationship choices. By talking honestly about these impulses and where they come from, you’ll understand more about yourself and connect with your partner.

Personally, I find it helpful to remind myself that however similar he sometimes seems (and however many dad jokes he tells), my partner is not my father and, ultimately, I am responsible for creating a new story – one that’s hopefully nothing like my parents.

It’s hard to mentally divorce yourself from your parents, But it’s only by separating yourself from them, and seeing your relationship as your new family, with its own traditions and rituals, that women can break free from the Electra complex and fully move on.