I like a good debate, even if I come to realize I’m wrong. How else do we learn anything? But the quickest way to turn a healthy debate into an unhealthy debacle is to have it with someone who will twist your words around until they mean something else.
Then they argue that point, completely ignoring what you really said.
Let’s start with what word twisting is. Word twisting is when someone insists you really meant something that isn’t what you said.
For example:
You: “I don’t feel like going out tonight.”
Them: “Oh, so what you’re really saying is I’m not fun to be around.
Why do people twist words?
Sometimes it’s that you’re absolutely right but it’s a truth they’re not ready to acknowledge.
Sometimes they just like a fight. Some people seem to get energized by a long, pointless argument.
And sometimes they want to let you know how little your thoughts or feelings matter to them.
If you find yourself dealing with that third type, avoid them if at all possible. That’s a form of abuse called “gaslighting”, in which the abuser keeps twisting situations to make you think you are the one who’s being impossible or losing your mind.
This is who they are. They will not stop doing this.
Letting them get by with it is not going to reward you or them, and it may even encourage them to do it more.
When your word twister is just argumentative (the second type), you may be able to enlighten them about better argument strategies. Most people learn argument from their parents, and many people don’t know how to have healthy arguments.
If you’re delivering a truth they just can’t handle, stick to your guns mercilessly but politely. Tell them they’re deflecting the point; that’s not what you said.
Dealing with unreasonable people is never easy, and rarely rewarding.
Helpful phrases include:
“That’s not what I said. You’re twisting my words, and I’m done here.” And then walk away. You have to refuse to talk about it anymore, because their first assumption is usually that you’re just playing hard to get. That you really want to have this long silly argument with them, and you’re making it difficult because you’re as big a drama queen as they are.
“Feel free to have the last word. I’m sure you’re going to anyway.” This is especially helpful if other people are in on the discussion. It forces them to shut up or prove you right.
“Whatever. I told you that’s not what I said, but you keep saying it is, so I guess you’re a mind-reader.” Sometimes you just have to accept that someone is determined to believe the worst of you and let it go. This little declaration tells them you can’t be manipulated into a prolonged argument that they’ll enjoy and you’ll find draining.
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