Criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” according to Dr. John Gottman, the renowned researcher of marriage and couple relationships. Decades of research data indicate that criticism, defensiveness, blame, and stonewalling are four predictors of divorce.
In fact, when there is contempt, divorce is almost inevitable. Contempt may show up when one of the spouses rolls their eyes or curls their lip as they speak.
Are you noticing any of these “Four Horsemen” in your relationship?
Are you arguing about the same things again and again?
Are you shutting out your partner?
Are you willing to listen to your spouse’s complaints and problem solve, or do you get defensive and turn the blame around?
If you notice these, don’t ignore the signs. For most couples, by the time they seek marital counseling their on the edge of ending their relationship, it is on average six years too late.
Dr. Gottman writes that in a healthy relationship there are at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction.
These are described interactions as “bids” and “turns.”
One could say that virtually everything you say to your partner is a bid.
Here are examples of bids:
“I read that California is in a drought.” “Did you hear that siren just now?”
“I think I’ll make pasta tonight.”
Even simple bids, such as a smile or a glance, are requests for connection, attention, affection, affirmation, or other positive response.
There are different kinds of responses to bids, called “turns.” One might
turn toward- acknowledge the bid;
turn away- ignore the bid;
or turn against- respond argumentatively or aggressively.
Example-
“I think I’ll make pasta tonight” (bid). “I can get in the mood for that!” (turn toward). “Hmmm” (turn away). “I wish you’d learn to cook something different for a change” (turn against).
Do you believe that you contribute to positive bids and turns in a ratio of 5:1 or better? If the ratio is lower, it is a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
Pay attention to making as many positive bids and turns as you can. Think of this as simply being kind to each other, thoughtful, and considerate. Observe yourself. Pay attention to the tone of your voice. When you say something unkind or irritable, repair it as soon as possible.
Initiate “bids” often. And respond to your partner’s bid by “turning toward.”
Observe yourself and your relationship, watching for the Four Horsemen:
🐴criticism
🐴blame
🐴defensiveness
🐴stonewalling
When you catch yourself-
Stop
Breathe
When you’re calm, go back to the issue that needs to be discussed, without bringing in the Four Horsemen.
When something is on your mind, find a time to discuss it calmly, with the goal of a constructive, problem-solving conversation. Long-term relationships’ disagreements look different because they are often sprinkled with humor and affection. This is one of the keys to a long-term happy relationship.
If the window of opportunity has passed, and you are headed for divorce, set your intention to have a “better divorce,” by staying out of court.
Mediation or collaborative divorce are process options that help you get through the divorce so that you can heal, recover, and move on to a healthier future.
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