When we get together with friends, many of us start complaining about our partners. After all, he missed date night — which you’ve been planning for months — at the last minute. Again. It doesn’t matter what you do; she’s rarely satisfied anyway. He doesn’t listen. She refuses to clean the house. He always wants to be with his friends — it’s like you don’t even exist. She spends too much money. He just bought the most ridiculous thing.
And that’s just the half of it.
While it might feel good for a moment, constant complaining can actually be toxic to your relationship. For one, it feels disloyal to the person you supposedly love, and it borders “on habitually throwing your loved one ‘under the bus.’”
“You want your partnet to feel as though their heart is safe with you; that you will take care of them and have their back.
When you talk negatively about your partner, however, you’re doing the exact opposite.
You also do the exact opposite of bringing out their best. When someone talks kindly and favorably about us, we typically stand up straighter and feel called to higher character. When someone speaks negatively about us, we tend to feel hurt, angry, defensive and resentful.
Complaining about your partner colors how others see them. “For example, if you are complaining a lot to your parents about your partner, this could set you up for ongoing bad feelings.
Most people also don’t know what to do. So they just agree with you. But what you might really need is to be reminded of your partner’s positive qualities.
Assess your complaining.
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